Path to Redemption

This week has been pretty decent. Its nice to not have an overly harrowing week for once (in about the last six months). Mind you, i've had fantastic days, but never a great week. I missed church last sunday, but i'll not be making that mistake this time.

Usually church gives me a sense of renewed spirit that helps me deal with the first day of the week (aka...monday). I didn't have that, and monday was kind of a bummer (hence some of my venting), but I did end up being rather productive online. Several blogs, and the beginning of my Star Wars Blog.

In recent news:
Yesterday there was a shooting at Tropicana and Eastern (in Las Vegas) at a WellsFargo. A security guard was shot in the head, and the bank robber got away. The police are still looking for him, but he's in sad shape. They have him on video camera.

Everyone knows banks have cameras all over the place. If you are going to be dumb enough to rob the bank...wear a stocking or something. Jeez. (not that I condone robbing a bank) And don't shoot the rent-a-cops in the head. Kneecap them or something less fatal. They don't get paid enough to endanger their lives that much.

Also in recent news:
It seems Stanton Lavey has been on the outs with his wife Szandora. If you click the subject link on my post you'll be redirected to his blog about this. This is really sucky. They were an amazing couple to see.

I'm not a satanist, but I don't disagree with many of his philosophical view points. Most of them are about taking accountability for your own actions. In this world the only one responsible for what you do..is you. We are what we make ourselves to be. If you read his post you'll see that he deeply follows this. Truly an amazing person.

My Sinister Mind pt.2

Okay I don't understand myself (yes..its as bad as it sounds). Most of you who know me, know that I tend to overcomplicate my life.

To deal with this, i'd often talk to myself (you all do it to..don't go there). Years and years and years of doing this have not been beneficial to my mental health. I never really thought about it, until someone actually overheard me talking to myself. Turns out I was in a rather heated argument.

So now, i'm being accused of being completely nuts.

I'm not crazy, and I wasn't arguing with some alternate personality. I have this weird knack for trying to view things from alternate points of view. It helps me try to figure things out (but makes it really difficult to put some things to words). Yes, I can even argue with myself rather heatedly. This helps me vent frustration so I don't end up going all postal stupid when I talk to people that happen to be the source of my frustration.

Could this mean i'm crazy? It's possible. But the question should be, does it matter? I don't think so. Its how I use deductive reasoning. Honestly if more people would think things out as deeply as I do (not necessarily using the same method as me) there would probably allot less stupidity in the world.

Just watch Idiocracy (its a movie), and you'll see where our world is going to. My little slice of crazy is nothing compared to what most people consider sane.

My Sinister Mind

Now that my few days of venting are done with, i'm feeling better. The roommate situation has improved and so far has remained improved. It seems so easy for me to get frustrated with people I live with. Mind you, when you consider your house your sanctuary, its easy to get upset when that feeling is "disrupted".

I often look back at the times i've been a horrible roomie though, and I tend to lighten up a bit. (yes this post is mostly me just rambling)

The new layout for my website is nice. I'm enjoying it.

Oh, and for those of you that are curious. I scored 39.2%.

I'm thinking of getting a starcraft networking game together. If anyone is interested, let me know. I figure a bunch of us playing SC could be fun (as we wait for over a year before SC2 comes out).

OMG ITS DIFFERENT!!!

So I've started working on a blog for my tabletop starwars game. Needless to say my current theme fit it really well. So I changed my current theme (as to not seem monotonous).

For those of you that play rpgs, check out my new blog for my SW game (its in my links). Give me feedback.

I hope you all like the new theme. I dig it.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world


Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World.

Something Random

Its Monday. You know...first day of the week, forever cursed to be the worst day ever.

Suprisingly enough, its not too bad (and just for saying that I should get hit by a bus).

I'm watching "Idiocracy". A really funny but frighteningly accurate movie. If you haven't seen it, then goto youtube.com and check it out. The opening sequence is hilarious.

It surrounds us, and penetrates us, and binds the universe together

If you thought that you couldn't get any worse with your StarWars fandom, and need to feel better about yourself, just click the subject of this post and you'll immediately either feel really good about yourself, or you'll find something new to drag you further into dementia. Either way i'm sure you'll like it.

Wizards of the Coast released a new edition of the Star Wars RPG called the Saga Edition. Its still D20, but has a whole slew of new rules and systems. It looks like Wizards has taken all their latest ideas for the d20 system and implemented them here.

Is this a taste of things to come for Dungeons & Dragons? Who knows.

I actually really like the new rules. Which balances the fact that I can't use any of my old materials from previous star wars suppliments. The information in them can still be used, but anything utilizing stats, systems, or numbers has to be completely converted.

I think the easiest thing to convert are the races though.

Quick rundown of large changes:

Only 5 classes: Jedi, Soldier, Noble, Scoundrel, Scout.

Every class has talent trees to choose from like d20 modern.

Defense has been rolled into the saving throws which are now defenses. You no longer roll saving throws. They simply set the DC of effecting you with various things. So, to not get hit, your reflex defense is used (which functions just like combat defense in the previous editiosn).

Wounds and Vitality have been replaced with Hit Points. To simulate taking a wound you have a Damage threshold, and Five levels of conditions from minor wounds to being completely incapacitated.

Instead of Jedi getting more damage to their lightsabers, every class now gets half their class levels added to damage with ANY weapon they use.

Jedi powers no longer sit as seperate skills. All jedi powers now use a skill called "Use the Force" and powers must be purchased with a feat that gives you them. They are usable once per encounter, with several talents or feats that let you refresh them during some fights.

Force Points refresh to a new total every level. They function exactly like action points in d20 modern. You can get a dark side talent that allows you to add additional dice to your force rolls if you take a dark side point (but you have to use a talent that you could have used on something else).

Vehicle and Starship combat runs a ton smoother now. You can use a standard square grid to simulate starship battles, and the combat runs very similar to combat with normal human scale fights.

So to summarize, the Jedi have been scaled with the other heroic classes. Everyone is heroic now, but in their own way. Jedi are more like your typical spellcaster, or group support class in other games (but have not lost their edge at all). All the rules that used complicated number formula have been simplified, and all the options to customize your class and create a decent concept have been opened up. Over all i'm very impressed with the new system, and I think its a move in the right direction.

I like big....Lizards

So most of this week was spent unpacking things. I missed allot of work. Sadly my out of shape body cannot cope with physical labor. I need to do something about that.

I've been getting torn between games lately.

World of Warcraft...still good, and I have a great group of friends on it.

Lord of the Rings Online...the new hotness. Fun RP centered game. The instances on it are amazing.

Vanguard: SOH...Sony is doing wonderful things to this underdeveloped workhorse.

I'll write up full reviews of each of them here soon.

In other unrelated news...an old friend of mine had a baby! OMG! I'd love to have a few of those one day. Little me's running around all over the place, screaming and mooing until the world goes completely mad muahahaha!!!

Either way, CONGRATS to your being a mother Mrs. Pulley (your baby will rule the world).

Launching Kittens to their DOOM!!

I'm in the process of moving. This time i'll have a yard for my dog. It will be nice being in a house again.

I'm no longer the trainer at my job, but have been..kinda promoted of sorts to "Technical Document Writer", which is added onto "Blackberry Specialist", among other things. I just figure they should put "Supervisor's Bitch".

=/

Oh and on the topic of slightly vulgar posts refering to my old "preferences"...just don't.

I swear I can't please people. (not that it is my life's goal to please anyone for that matter, but still) I used to get harassed rather heavily about being a sexual deviant, and now that i'm trying to put my life into place properly, its like i'm "not allowed" to do that. WTF! Make up your minds people. First you can't wrap your heads around my life one way, and when I "shift" to something more normal, you can't wrap your head around why i'd switch.

Word of advice. Get over your hang ups about other people's business. If you don't want to know what someone is doing with thier lives, then don't ask them. (if they volunteer the information without your request...then feel free to be a dickhead)

Nah-nen Tungen

I've been a little lazing with my blogging. So lazy in fact that i've completely forgot that i've made 2 posts since my "Zero Sum" post.

Recently, I joined the official Camarilla Fan Club. That's right..i'm LARPing again. I had lots of fun actually being socail. its my belief that people that play MMOs (also a catagory I fall into) are worse than LARPers because at least LARPers are social enough to get laid.

I know..that wasn't a very "mormon" thing of me to say. But us mormons are humans too. We just like to make you all feel that we are better than you (because we are).

(okay..I can't keep a straight face when I say that! I'm just joking!)

Speaking of which, if you check out Mormon.org they have a new media campaign that has been done up really well. I was completely impressed when I was forced to sit through 37 minutes of some very old people talking about it. (although one of them was really funny because he kept yelling randomly about how excited he was about the new media approach).

Sometime soon i'll despoil my blog site with one of their banners. (Seriously, as far as religious websites go, this one was done really well).

I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend.

Sabertooth Tiger Power!!!

I've been rediculously bored (hence my last post about being and MMO junky). Click the subject link to this post. Its rather amusing.

What have you all been up to? (post comments with your reply)

MMO Junky

For the last two weeks a bunch of my mmo accounts have been getting reactivated for brief periods of time as they send me emails saying,"Please come back to us."

So I've been reinstalling a ton of games and playing them for the few days they are reactivated.

I really am looking forward to some of the new next gen games coming out. Ever since warcraft became an mmo, the rest of them have just fell to the wayside. Plus all the "next gen" stuff that did get released...like vanguard...just totally miss the mark. Next Gen doesn't have to be so horrible on a persons computer system.

It means the technology should be better. I want landscape that gets scorched by spells or sliced by blades. When you parry an incoming attack, your weapons should impact each other. And being as most MMOs are based around creating a social community, that aspect should be built upon. Guilds shouldn't just be collections of players. They should have meeting areas, quest objectives, and diplomatic relations with other guilds.

...and it would be really nice if they found something better for the grind. Monotony seems to be the theme of choice for all of these games.

Zero Sum

So years ago I had this friend. She is amazing. Have you ever met one of those people that are smart, quick witted, and extremely honest (sometimes at the cost of tact)? That would be her.

Often over the last few years i've pondered on how much I miss this friend. I've tried emailing her, instant messaging her, etc. Sadly, it seems as if she no longer wishes to associate with me.

Since the last time I officially talked to her, she has gotten married, lost a relative, and gotten pregnant. She also spent a significant amount of time in Law School (which is sooo awesome).

Negative thoughts toward her have NEVER crossed my mind (she is just that awesome).

Then the other day, a small little troll whispered something in my ear. ...and I feel like a piece of crap. I am the worst friend ever!

You see awhile back she got me this really neat job at a museum. She worked there as well, and used some of her pull with management to get me in. I worked all of a month and a half. Then in my extremely lame way, quit. Did I mention i'm lame?

This discredited her reputation with management. Later she needed to help some other friends out, and was not able to do so. I tarnished her reputation with her employer. If I were her, I wouldn't talk to me anymore either. Looking back at my life, I can be pretty certain this was not the only incident that ticked her off.

I've come to the realization how badly I treated her. I can't appologize enough. Yes, i'll even admit I cried over it (I have very few people I consider a true friend...so realizing I lost one due to my own idiocy, really hurts).

...so where did all this suddenly come from?

Since I converted to LDS, i've been reviewing my life rather heavily. Mostly how i've treated my friends. Lets just say i'm not too thrilled with myself as a person. If any of you are reading this, and feel i've commited some sort of injustice, or slight against you, please..let me know. I'd love the opportunity to make amends (but should you decide i'm not worth the time for that, I understand, and accept it).

To all of you, I'm sorry.

FRUNK!

Chinese Youths Crazy for English Alphabet Tattoos
"The guy at the tattoo shop told me this means brave and proud warrior in English," said beaming Beijing teenager Hao Tsang as he pointed to the letters GARF freshly inked onto his left bicep. "It's perfect for me because I am very bold and confident, yet spiritual."

Tsang's friend Yuan Chi Hao also went under the needle for some English language characters. "Mine simply says FRUNK. The letters are so beautiful and flow so smoothly into each other. The word actually means old soul with young spirit in English. How cool is that?"

Apparently, very cool.

Throngs of Chinese youths are flocking to tattoo parlors looking to colorfully emboss their bodies with "meaningful" English language words.

"I couldn’t decide between CRYMPH or DLECH," said Chengdu high school student Mingmei Lee. "I know they both mean beautiful flower dancing in the wind in American, but I can't decide what looks prettier."

This strange trend mirrors a popular body art movement in the US where many Americans — especially professional basketball players and young celebrities — get Chinese language characters tattooed on their bodies. Many believe the Chinese characters add an air of spirituality to their beings and help present them as enlightened individuals who respect and admire foreign cultures.

A.J. McLean of the man-band Backstreet Boys proudly displayed his fresh ink after leaving a popular LA tattoo parlor. "Check it out," said the very excited singer as he pointed to the characters on his left forearm. "My man just hooked me up with some mad asian ink! He says it means wise wolf that guards the pack. That’s totally me dawg… I take care of my boys. Cool dat!"

Upon further investigation, the characters were found to actaully mean dog ass.

"Listen, these Hollywood hotshots come in here every night wanting something foreign and deep. I only know how to do about twenty Chinese characters and I have no idea what they mean. But who the hell cares? They just look neat. I make up meanings like precious gem floating in pond. Dumb chicks hopped up on ex really go for that one," said burly ex-marine tattoo artist Jake McNaughton with a hearty laugh.

Beijing tattoo artist Johnny Chang echoed the sentiments of his American counterpart, "Kids are stupid. Funny nonsense tattoos make me laugh ha ha. I take letters from American soda cans and candy wrappers and rearrange them into words. GWIPO is my number one favorite. TWARP is also pretty lucky good!"

I am trying to believe

Year Zero


Parepin affects brain chemistry--specifically dopamines.
Dopaminergic overactivity is linked to schizophrenia. Parepin dosage
is not controlled. It’s just in the water. The more water you drink, the
more parepin you ingest. It seems possible that some individuals are more sensitive to
Parepin, and that others are ingesting more because of their lifestyle.

It does not seem to me coincidental that this wave of sightings has occurred since
Parepin was added to the water. Parepin may make some people
more susceptible to visions and hypnagogic
hallucinations (those very vivid dreams you have when you think you are
awake.)

Wasteland

This weekend i'm going out to Fallon to visit my mother. She's awesome, but sadly having some problems with my step-dad.

He's deluded himself into thinking there is nothing wrong with their marrage, and she's made the effort to see a counselor. He'll have no part in it. This of course leads to divorce.

I'm hoping it doesn't go that far.

I'm trying to find a house for rent in the southwest (around flamingo and buffalo area...within 5 miles at least). So if any of you know of a place, let me know.

CLICK ME!!!!

I'm rediculously ill today. I can't breath and its annoying. Its that fun bronchail infectious suffocating feeling.

On a funnier note, my roomie Somania had his dad and stepmom over...and my apartment manager graciously locked their vehicles in the office parking area.

So they have been entertained as my guests until security shows up. So this evening has been rather amusing so far.

I don't really have too much to write about yet. Either way..click the subject link that says "click me"...you'll hate me for it.

What's an Elko

So last week is over with and the new week begins. I'm awake this morning and all I can think of is that I want to sleep, and not wake up anytime soon.

I can't seem to get enough sleep lately (like the last 6 months). Really bad insomnia. My doctors have given me various medications to help with that but they are usually rediculously powerful anti-depressents, that make it very difficult to make it through the rest of the day after I wake up. (you know..that chemically sleepy feeling)

I haven't taken a single medication in a week and a half. Not even for my migrains. I'm not spurning medications, but lets just say i'm a tad sick of taking more pills than most 50 year olds.

Scythius is out of the hospital. That is a ton of anxiety finally relieved. I hope the rest of the week goes well.

We are carrot

Its been a very busy week. This morning I get to do some volunteer work for the church (they've certainly got quite the advantage with that one...very smart!). Then I get to do my normal job, but at least I get to finish the day with a MnM game (mutants and masterminds). A week just isn't a week until someone has trashed Tokyo.

I didn't get much warcraft time in this week (i'll have to do something about that), but my cousin got me to install the trial for Everquest 2. I used to play this back when it first came out. Wasn't too impressed. It had great potential, but it just didn't hit the mark.

It looks like Sony went all out in the last year since I played it last though. Its lots of fun! They revamped character creation, and changed all kinds of stuff on it. It seems allot better now.

So hopefully this weekend will be good. Scythius is still in the hospital though. It will be a better weekend if he's let out.

...and then I cast,"FROST SHOCK!"

More cowbell....

Its Tuesday, and I think I could use some more cowbell today. The day isnt' bad, its just missing something.

Maybe that would be "fun" that its missing. Eh, who knows.

:Rant:
If you join a guild in warcraft and they ask you to take 5 minutes to register on their website, and fill out a 5-7 question guild app/forum post, and you say "no, I don't feel like it", then you must enjoy looking like a lazy ass. =P
:End Rant:

One of my roomies (nicknamed Scythius) went into the hospital again yesterday. He has Crohn's Disease, and its eating him up pretty badly. He's still there today, and I havne't heard from him (he usually calls me and lets me know they admitted him, etc). I need to call him in a bit to check and see if he's alright.

:Random Thought:
There are several great movies coming out in the next few months. How exciting! I won't be watching Transformers though until next year (near the end of April..when Aylleron returns from him mission).
:End of Thought:

*drools on self*

:Note to self, don't turn off brain:

Where have I been?

Sorry, its been awhile since i've posted (like months). Allot has happened, and words just don't do it all justice.

I'm the trainer where I work at now. If all goes well though i'll be running my own business. You'll get more details on that as it occurs.

I've began a new path in my life that I NEVER thought I would partake. I got baptised Mormon this weekend. (Emphasis on the OMG NEVER thought that would happen) I've been christian for a very very very very long time (comparitive to my current lifespan), and had these wonderful conclusions about the world and how things worked. Most of my conclusions were still very correct, but there were some fundamentally huge ones that have come crumbling down around me.

That's right..I am Mormon now. Just let that sink in.

Does that mean I'm gonna go around thumping people with my bible and BoM (book of mormon) and start hating people? NOOOO! Only asshats and morons do that. In every religion..heck..every walk of life, you get the good and the bad. So for those of you that are rolling your eyes and screaming "Why!!!!", get over it. Its my choice, and I took it. My real friends have been very supportive. Even those that don't understand why I'm doing this, are at least supportive enough to tell me,"Good for you man!"

Its been a difficult last few weeks. I've been ridiculed more times than I can count. My head has exploded in pain to the point of me vomiting from it. I've even had a visit from an old enemy, who remained powerless to even look at me fully. I've had people I consider very intelligent do some very unintelligent things to try to sway me from my course. My ego has been bruised, and my pride has been smashed into the ground. My misconceptions have been tested and found wanting, and my faith has been reforged and tempered into something more glorious than I have ever felt (that last part isn't bad).

I've been christian for years of my life, and Saturday, when I arose from the waters of baptism, for the first time in my life I felt forgiven.

I love you all (every single one of you!!!)

Laser swords

City of Villains/Heroes would be so much cooler if it had laser swords. Just an observation of mine.

Neverwinter Nights 2 comes out in a week or so. Burning Crusade comes out in a month. Gamer overload for me in my pocket book really. =(

My mother was in town this weekend. A friend of my family got married this weekend. It was really awesome. Really part of my family are friends that have been adopted as extended members of the family. We are kewl like that. So being apart of that and treated as part of the family is a great experience. They say "blood is thicker than water" but I say,"You don't choose your family, but you do choose your friends."

Accountability speaks volumes to your character.

My weekend was exhausting, but very awesome.

Golf Video Games

I'd play that gold game.

Procrastination

I've been putting off getting my dreams going for too long. ...

...I shall do so no longer.

What's an update?

So its been a bit in between updates. I guess its that time of the year. I get hit with a HUGE bought of depression and anxiety (summer sux..maybe its the heat).

This week has been the worse. I havne't been on warcraft much. I pretty much feel that if I can't enjoy it, I don't play it. This week I haven't been able to enjoy anything..so i've taken a week break from it for the most part (little spurts of addiction here and there).

Going to see "The Pulse" this weekend.

I'll let you all know how it is.

In the meantime..just remember...(click the title for a link to something funny).

ZZzzzzzzzz

WARLOCK!!!

Its beena while since I posted. Been busying having fun on warcraft.

So...news.

I've been promoted to trainer. Its lots of fun. I'm having a blast with it. Now..if I can get a pay raise. hehe.

Steve has been rediculously sick lately. His stomach problems are going throught he roof. on top of that, he's on the verge of losing his job. If he loses his insurance, we don't know how he'll be able to afford treatment.

Eric joined us on warcraft. This is very awesome! I miss gaming with him (among other things).

So...2 out of 3 good things going on. Now...if only they did bowel transplants.

Rogues do it from Behind

I've been playing on the Dalvengyr server allot lately. Slowly but surely i've gotten quite a few friends to join me as well.

So yesterday I broke down and formed a guild.

"Order of the Tempest"
--------------------------

So my doctor got the brilliant idea to take me off pain killers. My neck injury is making itself nice and uncomfortable on the back of my head and causing me a ton of pain. Not fun. I plan on going back to the doctor and requesting either something silly like an MRI, or to see a specialist. Funny thing about that, is he is a neurologist. =/

I think the problem is my previous doctor, who never really paid much attention to my headaches. I did have an MRI, but it was on the front of my face for sinus issues.

At this point my headaches and migrains have me scared out of my wits. Besides the fact that i'm in pain almost 24/7 now, the whole fact that the cause of them is still unknown has me very worried.
---------------------------

The rogue population on pvp servers is insane. Resonably so though. Now what will be interesting is to see how that changes after 1.12. Rogues are going to become more viable in PvE, and less devistating in PvP.

As it is right now, a PVP build for rogues is unstoppable. They can sneak up on any class and just stun lock the hell out of you. Hunters are supposed to be the equilizer in that, but most other classes have at least 2 other classes that can counter them.

And the Hunter has poor abilities to counter rogues. They need to give Warriors an ability that breaks stun, give mage's some sort of stealth detection reguarding "vanish" (which should be considered a spell), make vanish unable to remove curses (so warlocks curse of agony will prevent vanish or break it).
---------------------------

That is my 3 cents for the morning.

Dragon Bond

A dragon bond isn't as scary as it sounds. It's a bond issued in Asia for Asian investors and priced in US dollars. Dragon bonds are often issued to take advantage of the dollar's relatively stable price.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Been lazy, etc. Same shit different day. Work has been okay for the most part. I have a shift in responsibilities that gets me off the phone for half the day.

Playing on a pvp server in warcrack with a coworker or two (or 3 or 4). Trying to get some decent groupage going on Lethon (horde).

Um...so what have you guys been up to? (you know..that is what the comments section is for)

I'm thinking of getting back into martial arts. Just unable to decide which style. My gym membership will be at the 1 year point soon, and if I can find a decent dojo I may discontinue my gym membership in favor of martial arts. (can't afford both). We'll see.

FAQ: The Scourge Invasion World Event

Ghostwalka over on the official wow forums posts a very detailed FAQ of the new upcoming world event.
The Scourge will be invading in 1.11, and now you can get a heads up on what to expect.

CLICK HERE

Forward full impulse power.

I don't consider myself to be an impulsive person. I try to be reasonable about things in general, but then there are times when all that crap is bottled up too tightly. It uncorks from time to time.

I get depressed.

Not your typical moppy lethargic depression. More like every single thing i've done incorrectly over the last few months suddenly making itself terribly aparent for my own scrutinizing conciousness to mill over. Add that to an odd sense of inevitable, something. I can't describe it. Its just a feeling, and its really really really difficult to get around. (I suppose that is what happens when you feel something you cannot define). Its negative, and it drags me under the waves constantly.

If the world were an ocean seperating us all as islands, then above water is the thankful air, and life giving sky. While beneath the waves is the suffocating and dark miasma of all the things that try to destroy us in this world. My islands likes to slip beneath the waves from time to time.

If we could only get rid of the water, we would see we are all connected by common ground.

Resistance if futile.

So attempts to stave off pain killers was futile. My brain of course decided to rebel. I ended up missing 3 days of work. Then I was stable enough to try to enjoy my weekend. It was off and on. I went to see X-men 3. Good movie...total lack of continuity to #1 & 2, but still a good movie (just an aweful sequel).

I got to see it with Eric which was very kewl. Now I just need to pick his brain on what he thought of it. =)

I'm working on another Mutants & Masterminds game (been working on it before I saw x-men). The premise i'm thinking is the world is normal (as we know it), but one day hundreds of people of various ages sprout super powers. How would the world react to the sudden existence of super powered beings? People of all ages, backgrounds, nationalities.

These super beings of course won't be your typical "Morlock" lamers either. Each of them are designed to be god-like, and larger than life. What purpose did they suddenly exist? What triggered thier power to exist? Of course I already have that answer, but its much funner to let the players find out.

Resistance if futile.

So attempts to stave off pain killers was futile. My brain of course decided to rebel. I ended up missing 3 days of work. Then I was stable enough to try to enjoy my weekend. It was off and on. I went to see X-men 3. Good movie...total lack of continuity to #1 & 2, but still a good movie (just an aweful sequel).

I got to see it with Eric which was very kewl. Now I just need to pick his brain on what he thought of it. =)

I'm working on another Mutants & Masterminds game (been working on it before I saw x-men). The premise i'm thinking is the world is normal (as we know it), but one day hundreds of people of various ages sprout super powers. How would the world react to the sudden existence of super powered beings? People of all ages, backgrounds, nationalities.

These super beings of course won't be your typical "Morlock" lamers either. Each of them are designed to be god-like, and larger than life. What purpose did they suddenly exist? What triggered thier power to exist? Of course I already have that answer, but its much funner to let the players find out.

Freaks!!!!

There you are, reading someone's comments listed publicly on the web. Not just any comments, but deep, personal comments!!! ......and here I am typing them out. ;-)

So today starts another beginning where I go off the pain killers completely, and go back to no caffiene. We'll see how this starts doing for me. (cold turkey...was bad!!!)

Its 5:30 in the morning, and i'm at work. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Happy happy joy joy

So today is the day. I'm 28 years old. I've gotten allot of "happy birthdays" today, and thank you all. I may complain slightly that I "feel older", but like I said earlier..its not a complaint..just an observation.

I decided not to take today off from work. Which has worked into my favor. I get more off the phone responsibility, and that means less people talking to me on the phone.

Plus there is no reason to make a big deal out of it. I realize that once you've had 25 birthdays, they tend to lose thier excitement a bit.

The really funny part is i've had a few people ask me,"What are you doing for your birthday." Last time I checked, the tradition was that I wasn't supposed to make my birthday plans. But since its been left in my hands, my only set plan is to eat dinner with my parents. The rest of the time I plan to do ...whatever I want at the moment. hehehe.

No particular reason.

Its sunday. My birthday is tomorrow, and ..i'm kinda not looking forward to it, but at the sametime I am. I think they call this one of those moments when we just don't care.

I feel like i'm truelly turning 28. Not that I feel old, just older. (I think i've said that before) This isn't a gripe or anything, and I don't think its causing any anxiety. Its just a feeling. We all get it at some point, and now its my turn.

I hope I have successfully reconciled with an ex of mine recently. I'm always so terrified of hurting people. The closer I am to someone or the stronger I feel about them, the more affraid I am. This has lead to some rather annoying bouts of me not attending to certain needs of my own, or in the worst case, not allowing others a sense of closure due to me not just saying what I mean and dealing with it.

I don't like hurting people. As wierd as it sounds, I tend to feel some of the impact I make on others. Not in that strange "Betazed" psychic way, but because I have a rather annoying analytical side to my brain. It likes to play out scenerios in my head. Usually they are mostly negative. So if I do something, I generally get to kick myself a few times for it.

I don't let this get to me nearly as much as it used to.

Either way, there is always room for improvement, and even with that little bit of insight into the way my brain works, I did something even worse with my ex. I think I mentally cut him out of that little process. So I was doing and saying things, and not thinking about them, at all. (Now if only I could do that with my mother sometimes) Example: I got in a car wreck, and instead of calling him up, I text messaged him.
...another example: I invited him to see a movie with me. I invited another ex (one that came after him..i'm stupid) and pretty much did the equivalent of tossing his emotions through a blender repeatedly.

I cannot properly make amends for this. Sadly the past is done and gone, and I still have the capability of causing him immense pain. With this new insight though into my own incompitence, hopefully i'll have enough forsight and respect for him to be far more open with how I feel and forthcoming with details to any gatherings.

Despite how horrible I have treated him, I consider Eric to be my friend. Its about time I started treating him as such. (and as such i'll stop refering to him as my "ex", and hopefully he'll stop calling me "Him", cuz I sound nothing like that band).


Now for something positive.

The 27th i'm organizing a gathering to go see X-Men 3: The Last Stand. If any of you are interested, email me at roninjedi78@gmail.com

A gaming buddy's wife (she games too...so I should just say "a gaming buddy") recently had her baby. At least I hope she has. She went to the hospital this last week, and they were going to induce labor. I have no idea how that went yet. A phone call shall be placed soon to rectify that lack of knowledge.

I'm working on another dnd game. This is a campaign and less rules additions etc. Although of course, I have some customizations.

I've also converted my Iron Alliance website to a D20 site. I'm going to be working more on my homebrew level-less system on there. If you want to give feedback or aid, sign up/register on the site, and post your comments. I don't have much on there yet though. (some of the forums are restricted, and you'll have to email me to request access depending on what you want to do).

Burning Resurrection

I have returned. My writers block seems lifted for the moment. Moving into the new apartment was good for my mind and soul. I'm allot happier now.

I'm going to be without my computer for a few weeks it looks like. I'm okay with this. It will give me time to reflect on a few things and start doing some things i've put off thanks to how addicting warcraft is (and how weak minded I am LOL). I'll still be posting here thanks to my access to my work computer.

"I'm not looking to stand up real high. I'd be happy to crawl.
I think i'm losing my grip, but I can still make a fist.
You know I still got my one good arm, that I can beat, Ooohh, I can beat myself off with."
~Nine Inch Nails, Getting Smaller

haven't really felt like posting lately. Getting ready to move. Working, sleeping, gaming, rinse, repeat.

Anything new with you guys/gals?

Destroy all humans!

So I got back into playing magic. Not just "grab some friends and play" but I went to an actual tournament. It was lots of fun. I think I had more fun watching the other players twitch though.

I had all my cards nice and setup, and not in plastic covers. At one point when someone commented on how bad touching my cards were, I decided i'd wipe my forehead with my deck.

The game isn't worth it if it gives you an stroke.

On a side note, this week has improved. Now if only I could stay awake. Trying to get my energy back.

I'm off to work. I'll try to post again later.

Today is writers block day.

Even when I finally posted something (after deleting pages and pages of post), the system regurgitated and destroyed it. Today's posts were just not meant to be. I think i'll reflect for a day on the things i've found.

Writers block.

I'm just completely shut down today. I can't friggin write. I've deleted pages of blog post. Its all BLARG!!!!!

So much I want to say, and I just fucking can't!!! Not that I have any reservations from posting on here. Just that I don't think anything I say is justified, says what I want it to say, and is just too fucking long!!!!

Its monday. Not just in physical context, but metaphorically as well. Its fucking monday.

Diverticulosis/itis

Its that not so fun disease that old people get that makes them unable to eat solid food. If they do, thier colon goes nucking futs and they begin to vommit violently.

So that is what Steve has. =( It sucks allot, but at least now we have a name for it. Plus, its curable/treatable with surgery. So...at least its not permanent, but if not taken care of soon, it could be fatal.

When he goes into his fits of projectile vomit, it destroys his blood sugar levels and dehydrates him (he can't even keep water down). So if we aren't able to bring it under control, it will kill him. This is teh sux.

But...now we have knowledge. Knowledge in this case truelly is power.

On a positive note...i'm moving...again. This time the place is mine. MINE MINE MINE!!!

Mind you..i'll have 2 room mates. Steve, and Jeremy. And the place is thiers too. But for once its "me" choosing who lives with "me", not me being chosen. I know it sounds kind of odd, but for me it feels a thousand times better. I've been at the mercy of other people for far too long. My roomies will be good. Steve and me get along great, and don't have any issues at all, and Jeremy has been my friend forever (and I know his living habbits already). Plus...he's a cook. He cooks amazing food at that. He tends to talk allot, but i'll deal with that over a reclusive silent anti-social roomie anyday. (No offense to previous reclusive silent anti-social roomies i've had in the past...just you know...um....i'll shut up now)

I've been taking a break from warcraft. I needed to clear my head. I've been in one of my "downers" for the last month. Top it off with a little bit of unhappiness with my living situation, and other stresses (like my neck having a naughty defiant disk), and its just been a little much.

So for now..with my apartment approved and good to go, I feel a relief i've not felt in quite awhile. Like a great weight has just been lifted from me. I still have that whole "car payment and outrageous insurance" thing for the next Five frickin years...but my little deceptikia is worth it. ;)

The other car

I had to turn in my Elantra. As much as I loved that car, it was too expensive. Now I have a car a tad more affordable for the time being. Its a Kia Rio. The only word I can think of (and it seems to ring the same for others) is that the car is "cute".

The dark side of me finds that description to be rather repulsive. So i'll just have to deck it out a little bit. I have a nice decepticon decal I could put up in the back window >:)

Although I hesitate to do that because this summer's heat may permanently etch it into the glass. I don't want to depreciate the value of the car much, so in a year or so I can turn that around and trade it in for something else, or refinance it.

New Car Smell

So I went to Enterprise yesterday (i'd highly recommend them over a dealer). I have a 2005 Hundai Elantra. Me...got financed at a very decent price. WTF!?!

Its a very nice car, and I'm even having a lojack installed on it. (that prevents thieves from hiding my car anywhere)

Now...I just need to tell me dad. =( He doesn't really trust any purchases I make, especially if I have to sign my name on something.

Do the dance!

Most MMO's out there have a dance emote. Its usually /dance. So far I think my favorite was Asheron's Call 2.

You had 9 variations of dancing. Then also if you were holding an instrument (which dropped randomly in the world) you had 9 variations of that as well. It was most impressive amounts of emote time wasting. hehehe.

I miss that game. =(

Feeling Poetic.

(for your reading pleasure...today's poetic rants)

I am...giddy with freakish lemons.
To the west...I devote this lint as it is cast upon the wind.
Long live the queen.

Oh to the violence that boils within me,
may the peace and creativity of the light seduce me.
I am great, and I am broke,
but never poor.
Zero does not always mean nothing,
and often I find charity in that fact.

Stares in disbelief...

Its still not sitting well with me, and hard to type out. A friend passed away this weekend, and I can't put my feelings on it into words. For those of you that are friends with her, you have my condolensces, and I wish there was more I could do to help you feel better. There is now this hole in our lives. One where she used to be. I looked at her desk at work yesterday, and it took everything I had to fight back the emotions that nearly overwhelmed me.

For those of you reading this post, my friend who's blog is linked on my site as "Baby-Eater" got into a vehicular accident this weekend and did not survive. Death takes the greatest of things from us. It takes our friends, and family, which are truelly the only things of real value in this world. In this age we have the unique opportunity to read through her blog...litterally an online journal of who she was when she was allive, and we get to celebrate her life. Lets take advantage of that, and remember her for her life, and in the next to come, celebrate being reunited.

I can't really say anymore. ...End of line.

Role Reversal

Okay guys..I thought I was supposed to be stalking you?

In the last month (period of 30 days, not necessarily the period designated on the calendar) i've been reunited with 2 of my best friends from high school. (yes..I consider my ex-girlfriend to be one of my best friends, we had a wonderful time together as friend, etc, despite how that relationship fluxuated)

I recently was contacted my another buddy of mine that I went to school with. I haven't seen him in like five or six years or something silly like that.

You know you are friends with someone not because they make it a point to call you all the time, but when years apart they still think about you, and want to know you more. and vice versa.

You are all important to me. =) *okay..that is as mooshy as I get...now go back to playing with the red button!!!*

Now for something completely different

My website seems...fixed. I have no idea how. Oh well.

I went to Nine Inch Nails last night. As can be expected it was a very moving experience. I haven't seen Trent Reznor live since 1994 with David Bowie. He's bald now...and its very hot! ;)

Now...instead of asking me questions...go click the red button!

wow...that broke my site?!?

DEATH TO MY LIVER!!!

...so i'm fiening this morning really badly. I've been taking too many pain killers lately, and they don't really do much for the whole "slipped disk of doom" that causes the preasure in my head to skyrocket.

So I stopped taking them all together. Cold turkey sux. You never quite realize how bad it can be until you've become dependent on narcotics, and then just stop. I can't imagine what my dad would go through if he ever was rid of his migrains/headaches and stopped.

Yesterday I had taken over 32 IBprofen, and about 40mg of Hydrocodone (lortab). Who needed a liver anyway right? The sad part is that isn't my record...or even close to my record. Not that I want to push yesterdays dosage anyway though.

So...as of today...no more. I have ice packs for my head (the natural way to numb myself...and it doesn't make me stupid!).

I swear I answered everything honestly. This is really funny!!!! I wasn't trying to be evil..I just am! w00t!!!



How evil are you?

Look at that, another rabbit!

I think I lost count at 5000. That would be how many bunnies i've killed in World of Warcraft. I just randomly use a wand, rifle, or instant casted spell to annihilate thier little furry existence. Although technically they aren't furry at all. They are pixelated.

I've revamped my warcraft guild. Iron Alliance will be dedicated solely to DDO, and now Void Werks is the new warcraft.

"Um..what is Void Werks, and why did you spell it with an 'e'."

Void Werks is a concept that one tends to lean toward "pro-oblivion" in the context that maybe the burning legion is right, and some worlds just need to be blasted to small bits of space dust. Only the strong will survive and become powerful enough to shift thier soon to be immortal bodies into the Twisting Nether and join the rank and file of the demons.

Mind you...this is all in game RP rubbish. Sadly the developers will never allow any PC to become "honored" or even "neutral" with the burning legion or any of its many factions.

But one can hope.

As for the spelling of "werks". Its usually used in context to "making something". So to say Iron Werks would be a term for a foundry or a forge. Void Werks means we make lots of destruction for the ...you know i'm not even going to back on that tangent. You'll figure it out.

We are of course still alliance. I have dedicated my level 60 warlock to Power Leveling all my roomies. They are half way to 60 (over half actually). Then ...the raiding of molten core shall begin.

...and just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.

Today is kinda hellish. Woke u pwoth a really really bad migrain. I'm typing this with my eyes closed currently. (So excuse grammatical errors please). Although i'm in hell, I do hope you are all having a goo dweek. The weekend is almost here. Nothing else really to yack about, oh...except I scrapped my warcraft guild Iron Alliance (IA still exists in DDO but at this point I don't think i'm gonna have much involvement with that).

The new warcraft guild is called Void Werks. Think "addicted to magic" "burning legion's bitches". hehehe.

Clinking of the Glasses

So there I am reading my favorite web comic and I see that one of the writers had an anniversary with his wife. They had a hotel room to themselves, and the kid was with a sitter. What do they decide to do?

Raid Molten Core.

For those of you not in the know, Molten Core is a high end dungeon in an online game called World of Warcraft.

He also used his Mac to make a romantic photo gallery website about thier anniversary. WTF!?!

I'm a nerd. I love warcraft, and my other half plays it with me. But damn! If you get away from the kid for even a day....get the fun stuff out and ...get laid!!!!

Okay...now that I have that out of my system. I think its still kind of romantic they play games together and have such an amazing relationship.

By the way..if any of my readers wish to know more about World of Warcraft, there are a few links within this post that will provide important information about the game. =) You can always email me for more info or post here requesting it.

(Digital Crack Dealer)

LOOK OUT! ïòð

Jeremy is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Moo, yes...that's right. Moo.

Monday is over with. Its Tuesday now. Twice fold does the sun shine, and the moon gleam.

March 14, 2006

It's time to let your defenses down and let that certain someone know exactly how much you care, or you could inadvertently hurt their feelings. Learn from the past -- most importantly, heal from it.

Not a big fan of horoscopes, but i'll chalk that one up to just plain good advice. =)

So i've had this odd premonition the last week. Its gotten stronger and stronger until the point where yesterday I was up at 3am (its rare they ever wake me up at night like that). Some people just have an impact in my life, and no matter how much time has passed apart, I always think of them.

First Love.
This often brings to mind a puppy's crush, or teenage sweethearts. Push that asside. We got over that along time ago. What i'm refering to is the epiphany of realizing who you really first loved, and that it was an unconditional love. The kind that binds you to a person of your own free will. Not some kind of strange obsessive freakish stalker craziness.

Its more of the love that "This person will always have a special place in my heart, and I wish them only the best no matter what path they choose in life." So they could call you up at 2am and say "Hey, I'm bored and feel like waking you up at 2am." and you really don't have a problem with that. Hell, you even doing bitch about it later (how many friends can you say you could do that for?), but sadly that whole "lack of sleep" thing still catches up eventually. Bleck.

So there I am, up at 3am, and I see an email. "Someone in myspace sent you an email" and I feel drawn to it (damn the corporate machine!!!!). I open it, and login to myspace (OMG they weren't running maintenance at 3am?!?). There she is. Out of the friggin blue. Depicted as one of the kewlest anime characters ever created (Integra Hellsing), and just....there. BAM! (thanks Emeril)

Now of course this morning i'm stil up at the buttcrack of well before dawn even thinks of happening, but for those of you that don't know, this is when I normally get up for work. If all goes well, that won't last long and i'll be waking up much later. I am trying to get promoted. (those of you that pray to whatever you pray to, do so please..I could use it)

So i'll end this morning with Moo. Its better than bugawk, and less terrible then quack.

Moo.

It's all about Stephanie

So i've realized the growing trend of negative posts on my blog. I don't seem to have much "good news" to report. I'll admit, I use this online journal as a vent most of the time. Either way though i'd like to have an equal combination of good and bad, and everything in between. That way people aren't going "I need a dose of angst...lets read Jeremy's blog today".

So today's blog is about Stephanie. She's the roomie of my friend Jeremy. This awesome girl has skillz in massage therapy. She's also one of your modern day wicca practitioners, and has a way of just uplifting the spirit of the room she walks into. (and yes...sometimes she does walk "into" the room. hehehe)

Clutsiness asside, she's an amazing woman that is good at cutting to the point, and getting to the heart of the matter. I'm allowed no quarter if i'm in a crappy mood, and she's not satisfied until i've pulled my head out of my ass, and have a smile on my face.

Thank you for being a friend Stephanie. You r0xX0rz!!!

Squishy!!!!

So yesterday I was driving in Henderson. As I came up to the intersection of Green Valley Parkway and Pebble Road this small white car pulls into the intersection in front of me.

Everything slowed down. I never lose control (this is a blessing and a curse at times, and the source of much anxiety). I was able to swerve my car and impact more of the front section of his car and miss the passenger door. Good thing too since he had 3 children in the car...oh and he was a child too. Driver's permit, and no licensed person in the vehicle.

I watched the front of my car hit and then BAM...the slowness was gone. My airbag exploded and burned my arm and impacted my head (much better than the stearing wheel). I'll never think of airbags as baby killers again. I'm sooo thankful for them. I hit that car at 45mph (no time really to even hit the break, it happened that fast) was able to jerk the wheel to angle the car, but had that airbag not gone off, I don't think the seat belts would have been enough to stop me from getting seriously injured.

My passenger was uninjured as well. We were shaken, but not stired. So I get out of my car. The entire front of my car is an accordian, and i'm facing almost the other direction (I bounced). The other car was able to pull onto Pebble, and has a messed up tire, and the frame around it. Not much else is wrong with it. Nobody in thier car was injured.

Thier "mother" showed up later while we waited for the police to show up. Some paramedics were at the starbucks across the street and heard the impact. They came over and blocked up the street for us, and made sure we were alright. They also prevented the little delinquent from fleeing the scene (not that his car would have made it far to begin with). The mother had the nerve to say "Maybe I should have said I was in the car." Instead she was at work, and told her son to drive illegally to pick up his sister. I hope she gets a nasty judge that holds her more accountable for that situation.

She has the same insurance company as me, but my car is now sitting in the henderson tow yard. Its innoperable and completely smooshy. I'm really sore, but alright for now. I have a docs appointment monday. My migrain isn't back (thank god) but I have a headache, and my left shoulder is really sore. I am just thankful I was able to walk away from that. I drove my roomies car this morning to work. I refuse to let fear drag me down, and was able to drive well and still felt comfortable with being behind the wheel.

So much for me getting off my hydrocodone. =/ Now its keeping my head sane again. Between my headache and my shoulder, work would suck this morning, but insteads its all tollerable.

Bork bork!!!
(it's what the swedish chef does)

DDO headstart began. Its tons o' fun. Not a replacement for warcraft, but definitely enjoyable.

Work is going really good. My migrain has subsided to a managable level and I've weened myself off of the pain killers (cold-turkey baaaad). I was on them for over month. Getting off them is not easy. Stupid opiates!!! =(

Having allergies doesn't help that either because it gives me a headache..and nothing downs a headache like Lortab! Weeee!!!

All is well in the land of Nod.

Although I still have a migrain (going on over a month now), things are okay. I'm catching up on my bills, and getting ready to move into another apartment with some new/old roomies.

D&D Online is coming out. I pre-ordered it. Gonna be fun.

Can't really think too well right now. Gonna end the post here. Just figured i'd put something up.

No love for pain.


The weekend is over with, and although incredibly busy, I'm glad its overwith. Normally my weekends are a needed bit of respit I need to function the next week. In this case my weekend was non-stop busy. I was thankful today when I went into work. Last week I was suspended so maybe that has something to do with it (making money good).

I'm getting ready to begin my d20 project. I can't reveal much of it yet, but I have a team of collaberators now. It will be fun I think.

My mom has to put down her dog this friday. I'm not looking forward to that. I feel so helpless. I've tried so hard to help her out. Nothing we did worked though. She has a cancerous infection in her leg. It has swollen so much that she can't walk on it, and can't even walk down steps. The infection is so far spread that even if we had the leg amputated there is very little chance she'd survive the process.

Steve is still in the Hospital for his stomach problems. They finally run some tests yesterday. That would be 4 days before they actually did anything. The day shift still neglects him, and won't give him enough pain killers. He's supposed to go through another test today. Hopefully tomorrow they'll at least discharge him so he can be in a more comfortable environment.

Three weeks was too long.

....(if you haven't read today's earlier post, know that this is a later post)

Today is the first day I didn't wake up with searing pain shooting across my skull. I feel stretched rather thin. Although i'm not in pain (and thus not loaded on meds..I go cold turkey well), I can still feel residual pain (think of it like phantom pain or left over soreness). I should be good after the weekend as long as Mr. Migrain doesn't deside to stuff another cattleprod in my eyeballs.

Okay, so here is my update on events.

I saw Underworld Evolutions about 2 weeks ago. Now mind you I had been suffereing for a week at this point from the migrain, but either I got the stupid idea to invite an ex, and an ex to the same event. It didn't turn into a cat fight, but I certainly got a mental slap to the head for it.

Now in my defense, I haven't exactly been too keen emotionally in the last year, and its felt like its been constantly getting worse. I broke up with an ex, and soon afterwards I let that "lonely" feeling one gets when you are recently single set in and caved in to date a new roomie. That didn't last too long, but by then I guess the damage was done. When someone references "this is why i'm not friends with ex's" it just strikes me as slightly hipocritical since said person is friends with me (and i'm an ex). I won't give up on trying to build a good friendship with more meaning that simple drama though (i'm stubborn like that, and think that certain people in my life has valuable qualities that make them exceptional in this world filled with people that choose to be unexceptional).

So then...

The next day I get a call at 2am from another ex (whom i've maintained an amazing friendship with as well) who was up on oregon...except he's no longer in oregon, and is in town, and wants to hang for a bit before he goes to his mom's in sandy valley (otherwise known as the netherworld!!!...if you've ever been to sandy valley you know what i'm talking about).

He had an absess (I think I spelled that right) and so the next day I took him to UMC and they drained the absess (not a fun process since it is in a very uncomfortable place). So they spew out,"You need to return daily to have the bandaging changed out." Of course i'm like "why can't we change it out ourselves." (later on I found out why...cuz open wounds are the most expensive things to treat in the world..the IDOSORB stuff they use on it costs 80 bucks for a tube smaller than toothpaste). Needless to say I inform my roomie that we'll have a guest for the week (notice the lack of "ask").

At this point i've been heavily taking my pain medications. The stuff my doc gave me for migrains isn't working, and one of the pain meds is making my stomach seriously upset. So our new guest assists in taking care of my dog (she's adorable...not that he attempted to resist, but if he had it would have been futile), and cleaning up around the apartment, etc...

So the whole week long I get the "jealous shoulder" bit. I ignore it because I really just have no stomach for stupid games.

So Thursday comes around. I wake up at 2am in the morning, and begin vomitting from the intense vertigo I was suffering from my migrain and the throbbing pain of the headache that accompanied it. I took my pain meds etc....but there was no way I was gonna get behind the wheel and drive to work.

I stayed home that day, and couldn't get ahold of my doctor. Turns out he was out of town. Friday turned out the same with my stomach and brain malfunctioning. I didn't sleep a wink. Saturday, same. Sunday I broke down and went to quickcare. They gave me a shot of Toredol (I think that is what it was), and a whole lot of it at that. So much that about 30 minutes later my face was jittery, and I could feel my teeth turning colors (think about that for a moment). I'm sure part of that was the brain damage, but anyway...

I get to work on monday and my supervisor spins me right around and takes me to the hallway. I sign the little paper, and bing..i'm suspended. I was gonna be fired if policy would have had its reign, but for once i'm at a job where they actually like me and feel I do my job pretty well. So my super went to bat for me. I had 3 days off to get my stuff taken care of. Mind you i'm so broke it isn't funny...5 days off pay is not going to be good.

I goto the doctor on tuesday. He's back in town. I inform him that the meds suck and the migrain is still kickin and in charge. So he tells me to stop taking the stuff that hurts my stomach (duh), and gives me 2 different migrain inhibitors to try and see which one works better. He also gives me a refill prescription for my hydrocodone (mmmm...good stuff).

So, the chaos of the last two weeks has started to diminish. Sorta. Friend from oregon is in the hospital again, but this time for his stomach. He had his galbladder removed a few months ago because it was infected. Last night his mom gave him bad pizza and it sprouted adamantium claws and tore up his stomach some more.

I think I recapped everything as best as my memory will serve me right now. This morning my migrain has diminished. I'll take the last of my inhibitor meds this afternoon just to be on the safe side.

I'm exhausted, but in a generally good mood. Things are looking up. I'll be living with some friends at the end of the month. (lived with them before, so not so many suprises) Lots of warcraft playing going on. Less drama please.

Optimism is best.

Always expect things to go well, but be prepared to handle the unexpected.

I said that to a friend this morning, and it just seemed to click. Life has been hectic at best recently, and I cannot wait for the month to be over with. I'm moving at the end of the month. My roomie is a nice guy, but he's too financially and emotionally unstable. That and he throws tantrums better than any 13 year old i've known.

I usually feel like i'm hopping from one frying pan into another. Last move was due to the fact I had a crap job, and couldn't afford my rent and bills. Also my previous roomies were either not around much, or just were in a world of thier own. Great guys mind you, but i'm just into completely different things, and so there wasn't much social time with them.

Had I not moved I would have been in a worse situation. Right after I moved, I blew 3 tires on my car (not simultaneously...one right after the other, within a few days of each). So things worked out in the end I guess.

Of course I moved in with someone that had even less in common with me, but was a decent conversationalist. When you sit and talk with him, he sounds perfectly normal and seems to have a level head. Then you see him in action, and you might as well be watching a wind up toy that moves in a straight line. No room for deviations there. If something doesn't go exactly as he planned it (down to every detail in his mind) he is completely unsatisfied with the results.

...i'll post the details of my happenings since my last blog later today.

Crippling

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing new there. Head pounding, and every little noise within a mile creeped through my walls to ensure me I couldn't sleep. Then I get up as my alarm clock screams at me.

I couldn't find my keys.

Suddenly i'm very much awake. I tore my room apart. I couldn't find my keys. So at that point I felt my anxiety levels reach a point that I haven't felt in a very long time. I can't really describe how I felt realizing I couldn't goto work this morning. I had to call in, and on top of it my head is not doing so good (and neither is my sanity).

Finally after 2 hours of destroying my room, I went back to bed, and unconciousness took me. Although I think I would have passed out anyway had I not tried to lay down. I'm going to goto UMC later when I get my keys, and see if they'll give me a prescription for my pain meds, and a note for work so my boss doesn't kill me. (or worse, fire me)

per·spi·cac·i·ty

Acuteness of perception, discernment, or understanding.

What we have here...

...is an inability to communicate. I wouldn't call it a failure, because the attempt and desire is there. Words just simply fail to communicate properly. I try to express how I feel, and what is going on in my mind, but am accosted by a combination of frustration, anxiety, and find that the expression I wish to use doesn't exist in the english language. At least at that moment, it doesn't come to mind.

So instead I type and delete various sentences over and over again trying to find the right thing to say. In the end the result is the same as just sitting there staring at you, wordlessly unable to express myself. I tell you...at times its enough to make me feel like death would be a mercy (although i'm far too stubborn to accept that, not too mention i'm not that shallow and love my friends and family too much to take that chicken shit route out of this...so don't even go there).

See what I mean? My above comment is a simple example of how the words I want to use may or may not convey what I want to say. So instead I stumble back across what i've typed to re-itterate my point and be sure there isn't any room for deviation for what i'm trying to say.

The consiquences of what I say have disasterous consiquences that i'm not always willing to face. Too many times my lack of phonetical skill has betrayed my ability to express my emotions in a situation, and someone has taken what i've said the wrong way. Usually such a simple matter of just explaining myself, but had you met the people i've met, you'd know such a thing isn't possible when people are willing to crash you against the cliffs of ridicule. Or when the consiquence could be losing someone you never want to let go of. So instead I stagnate, and unless I can find the right words, and things to say, unless I can find a salvation from my consiquences then I watch as my bonds between friends, family, and loved ones fades away into nothingness...instead of severing...they just erode.

I won't stand for stagnation. I won't erode. I will not be subject to self destruction in any form. I will find a way to express myself. I will crush those who attempt to bring me down, and I will rise above my situation. Nobody shall find thier back upon my heal though. I need not push anyone down to rise up. In fact I wish to bring as many up with me as I possibly can. The universe has more than enough wealth, energy, prosperity, and life that we can all share it with no need for greed or desperation.

....yet here I am...desperate.

Chi flow

A leaf falls in the forest.....(no no no...every stupid thought of tranquility starts with a stupid forest and leaves...lets start over).

Loud music assaults the senses and the force of bass throbs every muscle in your body.

You are invigorated with energy. Your favorite song is playing so loud that you'll be deafened for hours after leaving the concert. People brush up against you, and they are all smiling, and checking you out. The person you've been kinda thinking about is pushed up to you, and grinding against you.

Your body sways back and forth to the sound of the music, and all the cares and worries flow away. Everything feels in alignment, and you gain your focus to persue the challenges of the day.


(...this alternative meditation technique has been brought to you by Jeremy. May your weekend be powerful)

1.9 and the babies cry.

The new patch for warcraft came out yesterday. Lots and lots of complaining commenced. Personally it was just a typical patch. Nothing extraordinary happened that doesn't happen every patch.

Mail went nucking futs (nothing new). Lots of UI mods need fixing now (working as intended). Tons of class features changed, and the lemmings hate having to try something new (cry more newb!).

I like the patch. Soulshard bags 4 the win!!!

Oh, I got to run Molten Core last night for the first time. We killed Lucifron and Magmadar. It was lots of fun!

I need to get keyed for Onyxia though.

In the darkness...

I stand on the edge of madness,
or maybe i've already jumped that cliff.
One can never tell until you hit the bottom, but by then who cares.

Fighting against this sadness,
trying not to sink into despair.
My emotions drive me toward this terror of which my soul it scares.

Fear consumes my waking hours,
and sleep forever fleeting never brings peace.
I close my eyes to hide from darkness, but shut out all the light.

It's not mine, but once was ours,
those things that bleed I cannot heal,
but i'll stand up to your demise, and your demons I shall fight.

In the light of your sight I stand tall.
In the darkness out of right, I shall fall.
You cannot fight what you cannot see,
and I hide within the darkness behind my wall.

written by: Jeremy Wunders
digital signature 01/03/06

Welcome to the New Year...

It's kinda like saying "welcome to the jungle" if you live in vegas. This place becomes absolute chaos. So I tend to avoid anything near the strip.

I wish you all a happy new year, and best wishes to the next annual period. May your goals be reached, and your dreams come true. Party hard, but also remember to be safe. Seriously..if you drink, have a designated driver, or don't drive. If you are somewhere that you can't crash and don't have a designated driver, then you went to the wrong place. Sober up with lots of water. =) Get home safe.

Enjoy.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Its not just a day. Its a season. From Thanksgiving through most of January, this time is supposed to remind us of what "good will towards men" means (in the ancient context where men refered to all of the human race, and not just the male gender...aka mankind).

Hope you all have a wonderful time!

Merry Christmas Eve

The holiday season has been a time of joy, and a time of a bit of sorrow as well. I've done my best to keep my head up. There are certain situations where my heart has strained though. I have all this love to give to everyone, and I reserve a special place in my heart for some people in my life.

I fail those I love. I hate it. I'm so human, and it drives me crazy. There are times when I wake up and I don't want to face the day. I want to scream right now actually. I'm feeling rather poetic (angst does that), and i'm so destraught with myself. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things i'm doing in my life right now. There are just a few things though were I'm just feeling like I'm this total asshole.

So..here I am listening to a CD that was made for me. I'm kinda balling my eyes out. I have a hard time expressing how I feel, and I use the music I listen to as a way for me to vent my emotions...so I guess it makes sense that its also the easiest way to get me to empathize with you.

How, oh how do I say "I'm sorry" in such a way as to express how I feel. How do I make myself vulnerable in the ways I need to, and yet keep my strength where you need it? I feel like such a terrible person. There is so much I can't say, and so much I want to. Am I being selfish or am I protecting those close to me. For now i'm just going to curl up and cry myself to sleep. In my dreams i'll find a way....

This song tends to be my theme song for how I feel inside most of the time:

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
I feel like there is no need for conversation

Burning Bright, by Shinedown

Scalops & Clay

So I had a small Christmas party/gathering/little not much of a get together. I didn't invite many people (mainly because my roomie invited too many of his friends/coworkers/peers).

Either way it was decent, and fun.

Sadly, it was during the week. I don't like having things like this during the week because I wind up having to goto sleep late and suffer at work the next day.

I haven't updated my blog much because i'm sick and grumpy. =P

I think I got all my xmas shopping done..I hope.

The Dark Chicken of the Apokolypse.

So last night I went to my Great Grandmother's birthday. She's 95. Amazing she has lived this long, and she's a nice lady until she opens her mouth and lets something mean and foul fly forth into this world to flay the skin from our bones.

My relatives decided they were going to smoke like chimney's and now my lungs feel like a pair of over used scouring pads, and my throat feels like it was scoured by them.

So today I shall kick back and relax and recouperate.

¡Ataque de los tomates del asesino!
¡Ataque de los tomates del asesino!
¡Le batirán, golpearle, aplastarle,
triturarle mastiqúele para arriba
para el brunch y acábele apagado
para la cena o el almuerzo!

¡Están marchando abajo de los pasillos - se están arrastrando
encima de las paredes que son gooey, gushy, blando, pesado - putrefactos a la base están estando parados fuera de su puerta!

¡Recuerde Herman Farbage mientras que elimina su basura que él dio vuelta alrededor y él vio que los tomates que ocultan en su árbol él son justos ahora una memoria! ¡Sé que voy a faltarla - un tomate comió a mi hermana que cayó Sacramento hoy - están marchando en tomates del San Jose están en su manera!

Me gustan las ranas.

Mi argot es todo incorrecto. Sé que esto es duro de traducir pero ésa es autorización porque Bolonia le obliga. Está bailando en su cabeza, y tengo gusto de las pequeñas salmueras del norte. Por supuesto ninguno de este sentido de la marca, porque su 6:30 de la mañana.

Did I mention I like frogs and pants?

So Christmas gets closer and closer, and more and more I find myself enbroiled in the retail nightmare that is commercialized holidays. I must buy gifts for people I appreciate very much in my life, and I stress because I want them to like the gift (I don't buy ties or sweaters, even if you beg me for them).

I of course need clothing, so I will truelly appreciate any such articles (unless they are tasteless bits of exploded color on cloth that should never be worn by a human being. If you think I look good dressed as the del taco spokes person, you need to be ran over...allot).

I was tempted to put "liquid chemical flame thrower" or "Home-made Napalm for Dummies" on my gift list, but I decided not to (because if you are my true friend, you already know I want these things, and do everything in your power to prevent my aquisition of them).

Everybody's PSPin. I want one...i've wanted one for awhile...ever since some evil monkey let me play lumins i've had this hypnotic song in my mind that keeps chiming away. My coworkers torment me with it, and my friends flaunt them like kewl hip new jeans that I wish to remove from thier person (for jealous and naughty reasons all in the same).

To the dungeon with you....

So DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online) is starting its stress test. For those of you interested you can find it on File Planet.

I've been in the official beta for several months now though. Must say, i'm rather impressed. Its not like other MMOs in reguards to running around and exploring a huge world. Instead its allot of instanced dungeon crawling with allot of group support. If you are looking for something more akin to the tabletop experience, then this is the game for you.

I'm going to be updating my game site www.ironalliance.com with info and new themes for DDO. Its not going to have me giving up warcraft, but it will be fun to call up a few of you, and say "Hey lets go kill a dragon" and not need 40 people to do it.

Plus DDO has built in voice chat...no more ventrillo or teamspeak!

I dance because i'm sexy.

Since its monday, i'll refrain from anything overly negative in today's post. My buddy Andrew passed his driving test. Yaaay! (run for your lives!!!!)

Hellscream's queue went up to over 500 Sunday. That is a new record. As of today the server is now accepting transfers to the Staghelm server. For those of you tempted to do this..don't. Staghelm has had a reputation of having bugs and lots of downtime, and is already a full server. This transfer makes no sense to me.

I figure once they offer the pay for xfer service, i'll pester people I know to unite on another server or to all migrate to hellscream.

In other news, slashdot had a fun little article about Narnia:

louismg writes "Walt Disney Pictures' Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe took in more than $100 million at the box office worldwide in its opening weekend, riding the back of special effects powering nearly all the movie's characters, from the lion Aslan to the Gryphon, Minotaur, Centaurs and more. VFXWorld has a series of diaries with the technology geeks at Rhythm & Hues behind the special effects. (Part 1, 2) For the fantasy film's special effects, Rhythm & Hues teamed up with Industrial Light and Magic and Sony Pictures Imageworks to deliver more than 1,400 shots for the film, and used cutting-edge technology from BlueArc, NVIDIA and others to keep the effects' production running."

I like frogs. That is all.

The medium is angst, and the canvas....

As much as I never wanted to use this as a tool for my inner turmoil, it seems I have very little outlets to do so. I find my emotions almost running me over at times and as of lately more so.

I am angry.

How can someone be so damn selfish! Have I ever done something so terrible to a persons emotions and feelings so deliberately? If so, I beg forgiveness because there are punishments that include scourging that might seem pleasant compared to be ruled by the fires of despair.

It is one thing, to realize you don't love someone. It is another to never tell them, and instead take out every bit of your turmoil upon them, and subject them to verbal torment.

I reserve my angst. I hold it within me, and calmly attempt to confront that which vexes me. At times, people will not let me find resolution to these things, or I don't have the courage to carry through. But the later is my own sin.

I have given so much, and never expected anything in return. There isn't a "payment" I demand for my emotions, my adoration, or my friendship. There never should be. It's not "given" if there is expected payment. Its instead a "loan" of goodness. You'll be placated, and held in check, but should you ever think that you have recieved anything real or substantial, instead you shall find a hollow husk of emotion. A deceptive mask worn over a bitter face.

Torment drives the fire within me right now. I have no time for revenge. There is no justice to exact. Such thoughts are for the mad. There is simply this..a problem..and a solution. Now, for the courage to do what must be done, lest I be to blame for the situation I have allowed myself to become embroiled in.

More tales from the desert of the selfish.

So, i'm gonna vent (hey..daily posts means you get whatever I feel like posting at the moment). Last night I went to Walmart with my roomie. He bought himself a rather nice Eliptical machine (he has bonespurs so this is easier on his feet for working out). A very good investment in health if you ask me.

So we get back home at 10pm. Fact 1 - I get up at 4am for work. Fact 2 - Hammers are loud.

He decides he wants to put the eliptical together. So I go relax and get ready to goto sleep. At one point I help him a little by holding up one component while he hooks up some of its inner components. Then I goto bed (at this point its 10:30). I get woke up abruptly by him yelling and pounding a hammer. Walking into the hallway I ask him what's the matter and get a very loud and angry reply of ,"FUCK IT! It doesn't fucking matter!"

I got the impression earlier that he expected me to help him put this thing together. He didn't ask me before he started. He waited until he had already began, and had he asked me earlier I would have told him "I have to sleep, lets do this tomorrow."

So after getting growled at angrily..I shrugged and went back to sleep.


How inconsiderate and selfish can one person get? Obviously at lot more than I expect people to be capable of.

Keeping with the machine.

So per request, I shall see for how long I can go posting daily on my blog. I warn you though, that some of it might be senseless dribble as I strain to find things to post about.

Still working on my DnD d20 game (and i'll continue to update the status of that daily too). Got a handle on a possible balance issue with divine spellcasters. I am setting them to be able to heal at will for a minor amount instead of heal a big amount only so many times per day.

This would have unbalanced the times between encounters as the whole party would just get fully healed. So instead the act of healing will be "empathic" of sorts. The healer will take 1 point of vitality damage per 1d6 points of damage healed. This makes it to where the healer cannot heal themselves immediately. Instead there will be an invocation they can take called "Desperation" that will allow them to heal themselves at the cost of an ability point per 1d6 (they get to choose the ability point that takes the temp damage).

My coworkers are annoying. Not all of them...just 2. They misdocument tickets, and cause the customers to call in with completely worse problems than they originally had. I want to douse them in karosine and light them on fire. *anger*

But that annoying "murder charge" is the only thing holding me back. Down with democracy....i'll become a tyrant and everyone will love me, because i'll make them, with violence!!!!

For the raving masses.

Fine! I shall cave to pressure and blog more often. I shal subjekt yu to mai speleeng trajedies.

Hehe. I've began working on a custom D20 system again (some of you roll your eyes at this...i'll eat them..I swear..). It gives me something to do while i'm at work. Plus while I do this, i'm also going to be righting a story/novel along with it. I'm hoping that they'll symbiotically work together. The game system will give me balance, and the novel will keep my ideas flowing.

I'll update info on that as it comes along, and as inspiration of course makes itself aparent.

Marvelous Sigil

So Sigil, an up and coming MMO producing company (that happens to be made up of the oldest most experienced MMO creators in the industry) got the rights to make the Marvel MMO.

This is no suprise on Marvel getting into the MMO arena, since they attempted to sue the hell out of NCsoft.

What do you guys think of this? These guys made Everquest, and are making Vanguard. Personally I like Turbine's style and player commitment.

Karma I think has struck.

Why is it, that we neglect those that appreciate us, and tend to bend over backwards to please people who don't respect us?

I think the Japanese got it right. Even if someone despises you with every fiber of their being, they'll still give you respect until you do something to not deserve it (in which case its your responsibility to restore that respect...not theirs).

(Warning: what you are about to read is laced with some venting. So emotional stress can make the statements seem cruel or harsh)

My roomie is a very selfish person. Don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't respect me. The worse part is he doesn't realize he doesn't respect me. I pick him up from work everyday. I hang out with him all the time to keep him from getting bored, and run him where ever he needs to go for errands and what not. Should I need to do something though, I get nothing but grief to the point where he makes me late for whatever engagement i'm attempting to get to.

He tells me he appreciates the things I do for him. I think he's unintentionally lying. He doesn't respect me. We have very little in common. He watches shows that I find mentally appauling. Like pretty much everything on eMpTyV, and VH1. He listens to R&B and pop. His idea of hanging out and having fun with friends is an odd form of mingling, drinking alcohol, and preferably being in a heavily social setting surrounded by people he doesn't necessarily know, nor care to be around.

I watch SciFi, and pretty much 95% of the shows I like, he has no desire to watch. So I change the channel for him to try to find something we both like. He gets upset when I don't want to watch the shows he's watching.

I listen to lots of music, including rock and heavy metal. He accuses my music of being "negative angry music" which for the most part he's correct. But its an outlet for me. Either way I try to turn the radio to something we both like, and it ends up being black eyed peas or some such nonsense that my brain is starting to rebel against. (just proof that i'm not designed to think fluffy thoughts...especially about a chicks lovely lumps.)

I don't mind going out from time to time, but I have a budget I have to maintain. I don't like drinking anymore, and the last thing I want to do is associate with sicofants. I've chosen my friends wisely over the last decade, and I trust them. Needless to say, my roomie doesn't like rpgs, computer games, or anime. So he doesn't want to hang out with my friends. (Cuz drinking and gambling seem to be more amusing?!?)

I've attempted to bring up alternatives to find decent association or things to do when hanging out, but all my ideas are shot down. He doesn't even try anymore.

Now of course this just bakes my bacon even more because I broke off an association with someone that had far more in common with me, and appreciated my time far more. Why did I do this? Because of some very complicated and at most psychotic circumstances. I've come to realize i'm not exactly the most stable person in the world, and my emotions tend to run me over. Part of that is this annoying bottling in thing I do instead of just speaking my mind or getting stuff off my chest.

Damage is done though. Now I just need to tactfully inform my current roomie that our current arrangement is not going to be able to continue, and then move on with my life and find another roomie. I'd live by myself but i'm in the process of paying off certain utilities that I find essential. (Like power, and cable)

.....CABLE IS TOO ESSENTIAL DAMMIT!!!!

"I need to jump over the moon..."
~rent

Happy Thanksgiving!

Eat lots, and work it off later. =)

"We'd like to give thanks to the indians. Whom we came, gave diseases, killed thier people, and stole thier lands. You guys are awesome!"

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

blah blah blah..all lies!!!

Clown suits?!?

Its 1:40am and i'm awake rather suddenly thanks to a bout of food poisoning. Carl's Jr's new portobello mushroom burgers are gooooooood...but not so much coming back up. So after that was finished with, I found that laying back down didn't seem very appealing.

Hop on computer, kick back in thrown, pet my kitty cat, and log onto yahoo. Low and behold I get to chat with my ever nocturnal friend (we'll call him Juan because its fun to pronounce and is nothing like his actual name) Juan. We have a almost decade old joke going about his parents having sex....in clown suits (hence the title of today's post).

I always like talking to Juan. He has good things to say (or just very realistic), and of course finds a way to get me laughing so hard that I think i'm gonna have a heart attack.

Who needed a liver anyway?

So this weekend was going fantastic, until my migrain decided it was going to completely debilitate me on sunday morning. I woke up to pain. So some IBprofen and hydrocodone later, its still making my brain short circuit. The usual supliments didn't even phase it.

So my mom came over and brough a darvaset (not sure if I spelled it correctly). I forced down some speghetti and took the pill. It got me to the point that if I laid still enough I could actually close my eyes and attempt to sleep. Problem is, everything under the sun was able to wake me up. Heck, I could hear my cat walking through the hall...how creepy is that.

Now i've woken up this morning and my stomach is rebelling against the pain killers, and i'm on another hydrocodone in hopes that I won't have to take another darvaset. The worst part is my roomie is like,"If you had insurance..." and my response is,"...they'd just give me painkillers...which i'm taking right now."