Crippling

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing new there. Head pounding, and every little noise within a mile creeped through my walls to ensure me I couldn't sleep. Then I get up as my alarm clock screams at me.

I couldn't find my keys.

Suddenly i'm very much awake. I tore my room apart. I couldn't find my keys. So at that point I felt my anxiety levels reach a point that I haven't felt in a very long time. I can't really describe how I felt realizing I couldn't goto work this morning. I had to call in, and on top of it my head is not doing so good (and neither is my sanity).

Finally after 2 hours of destroying my room, I went back to bed, and unconciousness took me. Although I think I would have passed out anyway had I not tried to lay down. I'm going to goto UMC later when I get my keys, and see if they'll give me a prescription for my pain meds, and a note for work so my boss doesn't kill me. (or worse, fire me)

per·spi·cac·i·ty

Acuteness of perception, discernment, or understanding.

What we have here...

...is an inability to communicate. I wouldn't call it a failure, because the attempt and desire is there. Words just simply fail to communicate properly. I try to express how I feel, and what is going on in my mind, but am accosted by a combination of frustration, anxiety, and find that the expression I wish to use doesn't exist in the english language. At least at that moment, it doesn't come to mind.

So instead I type and delete various sentences over and over again trying to find the right thing to say. In the end the result is the same as just sitting there staring at you, wordlessly unable to express myself. I tell you...at times its enough to make me feel like death would be a mercy (although i'm far too stubborn to accept that, not too mention i'm not that shallow and love my friends and family too much to take that chicken shit route out of this...so don't even go there).

See what I mean? My above comment is a simple example of how the words I want to use may or may not convey what I want to say. So instead I stumble back across what i've typed to re-itterate my point and be sure there isn't any room for deviation for what i'm trying to say.

The consiquences of what I say have disasterous consiquences that i'm not always willing to face. Too many times my lack of phonetical skill has betrayed my ability to express my emotions in a situation, and someone has taken what i've said the wrong way. Usually such a simple matter of just explaining myself, but had you met the people i've met, you'd know such a thing isn't possible when people are willing to crash you against the cliffs of ridicule. Or when the consiquence could be losing someone you never want to let go of. So instead I stagnate, and unless I can find the right words, and things to say, unless I can find a salvation from my consiquences then I watch as my bonds between friends, family, and loved ones fades away into nothingness...instead of severing...they just erode.

I won't stand for stagnation. I won't erode. I will not be subject to self destruction in any form. I will find a way to express myself. I will crush those who attempt to bring me down, and I will rise above my situation. Nobody shall find thier back upon my heal though. I need not push anyone down to rise up. In fact I wish to bring as many up with me as I possibly can. The universe has more than enough wealth, energy, prosperity, and life that we can all share it with no need for greed or desperation.

....yet here I am...desperate.

Chi flow

A leaf falls in the forest.....(no no no...every stupid thought of tranquility starts with a stupid forest and leaves...lets start over).

Loud music assaults the senses and the force of bass throbs every muscle in your body.

You are invigorated with energy. Your favorite song is playing so loud that you'll be deafened for hours after leaving the concert. People brush up against you, and they are all smiling, and checking you out. The person you've been kinda thinking about is pushed up to you, and grinding against you.

Your body sways back and forth to the sound of the music, and all the cares and worries flow away. Everything feels in alignment, and you gain your focus to persue the challenges of the day.


(...this alternative meditation technique has been brought to you by Jeremy. May your weekend be powerful)

1.9 and the babies cry.

The new patch for warcraft came out yesterday. Lots and lots of complaining commenced. Personally it was just a typical patch. Nothing extraordinary happened that doesn't happen every patch.

Mail went nucking futs (nothing new). Lots of UI mods need fixing now (working as intended). Tons of class features changed, and the lemmings hate having to try something new (cry more newb!).

I like the patch. Soulshard bags 4 the win!!!

Oh, I got to run Molten Core last night for the first time. We killed Lucifron and Magmadar. It was lots of fun!

I need to get keyed for Onyxia though.

In the darkness...

I stand on the edge of madness,
or maybe i've already jumped that cliff.
One can never tell until you hit the bottom, but by then who cares.

Fighting against this sadness,
trying not to sink into despair.
My emotions drive me toward this terror of which my soul it scares.

Fear consumes my waking hours,
and sleep forever fleeting never brings peace.
I close my eyes to hide from darkness, but shut out all the light.

It's not mine, but once was ours,
those things that bleed I cannot heal,
but i'll stand up to your demise, and your demons I shall fight.

In the light of your sight I stand tall.
In the darkness out of right, I shall fall.
You cannot fight what you cannot see,
and I hide within the darkness behind my wall.

written by: Jeremy Wunders
digital signature 01/03/06