What we have here...

...is an inability to communicate. I wouldn't call it a failure, because the attempt and desire is there. Words just simply fail to communicate properly. I try to express how I feel, and what is going on in my mind, but am accosted by a combination of frustration, anxiety, and find that the expression I wish to use doesn't exist in the english language. At least at that moment, it doesn't come to mind.

So instead I type and delete various sentences over and over again trying to find the right thing to say. In the end the result is the same as just sitting there staring at you, wordlessly unable to express myself. I tell you...at times its enough to make me feel like death would be a mercy (although i'm far too stubborn to accept that, not too mention i'm not that shallow and love my friends and family too much to take that chicken shit route out of this...so don't even go there).

See what I mean? My above comment is a simple example of how the words I want to use may or may not convey what I want to say. So instead I stumble back across what i've typed to re-itterate my point and be sure there isn't any room for deviation for what i'm trying to say.

The consiquences of what I say have disasterous consiquences that i'm not always willing to face. Too many times my lack of phonetical skill has betrayed my ability to express my emotions in a situation, and someone has taken what i've said the wrong way. Usually such a simple matter of just explaining myself, but had you met the people i've met, you'd know such a thing isn't possible when people are willing to crash you against the cliffs of ridicule. Or when the consiquence could be losing someone you never want to let go of. So instead I stagnate, and unless I can find the right words, and things to say, unless I can find a salvation from my consiquences then I watch as my bonds between friends, family, and loved ones fades away into nothingness...instead of severing...they just erode.

I won't stand for stagnation. I won't erode. I will not be subject to self destruction in any form. I will find a way to express myself. I will crush those who attempt to bring me down, and I will rise above my situation. Nobody shall find thier back upon my heal though. I need not push anyone down to rise up. In fact I wish to bring as many up with me as I possibly can. The universe has more than enough wealth, energy, prosperity, and life that we can all share it with no need for greed or desperation.

....yet here I am...desperate.