New Car Smell

So I went to Enterprise yesterday (i'd highly recommend them over a dealer). I have a 2005 Hundai Elantra. Me...got financed at a very decent price. WTF!?!

Its a very nice car, and I'm even having a lojack installed on it. (that prevents thieves from hiding my car anywhere)

Now...I just need to tell me dad. =( He doesn't really trust any purchases I make, especially if I have to sign my name on something.

Do the dance!

Most MMO's out there have a dance emote. Its usually /dance. So far I think my favorite was Asheron's Call 2.

You had 9 variations of dancing. Then also if you were holding an instrument (which dropped randomly in the world) you had 9 variations of that as well. It was most impressive amounts of emote time wasting. hehehe.

I miss that game. =(

Feeling Poetic.

(for your reading pleasure...today's poetic rants)

I am...giddy with freakish lemons.
To the west...I devote this lint as it is cast upon the wind.
Long live the queen.

Oh to the violence that boils within me,
may the peace and creativity of the light seduce me.
I am great, and I am broke,
but never poor.
Zero does not always mean nothing,
and often I find charity in that fact.

Stares in disbelief...

Its still not sitting well with me, and hard to type out. A friend passed away this weekend, and I can't put my feelings on it into words. For those of you that are friends with her, you have my condolensces, and I wish there was more I could do to help you feel better. There is now this hole in our lives. One where she used to be. I looked at her desk at work yesterday, and it took everything I had to fight back the emotions that nearly overwhelmed me.

For those of you reading this post, my friend who's blog is linked on my site as "Baby-Eater" got into a vehicular accident this weekend and did not survive. Death takes the greatest of things from us. It takes our friends, and family, which are truelly the only things of real value in this world. In this age we have the unique opportunity to read through her blog...litterally an online journal of who she was when she was allive, and we get to celebrate her life. Lets take advantage of that, and remember her for her life, and in the next to come, celebrate being reunited.

I can't really say anymore. ...End of line.

Role Reversal

Okay guys..I thought I was supposed to be stalking you?

In the last month (period of 30 days, not necessarily the period designated on the calendar) i've been reunited with 2 of my best friends from high school. (yes..I consider my ex-girlfriend to be one of my best friends, we had a wonderful time together as friend, etc, despite how that relationship fluxuated)

I recently was contacted my another buddy of mine that I went to school with. I haven't seen him in like five or six years or something silly like that.

You know you are friends with someone not because they make it a point to call you all the time, but when years apart they still think about you, and want to know you more. and vice versa.

You are all important to me. =) *okay..that is as mooshy as I get...now go back to playing with the red button!!!*

Now for something completely different

My website seems...fixed. I have no idea how. Oh well.

I went to Nine Inch Nails last night. As can be expected it was a very moving experience. I haven't seen Trent Reznor live since 1994 with David Bowie. He's bald now...and its very hot! ;)

Now...instead of asking me questions...go click the red button!

wow...that broke my site?!?

DEATH TO MY LIVER!!!

...so i'm fiening this morning really badly. I've been taking too many pain killers lately, and they don't really do much for the whole "slipped disk of doom" that causes the preasure in my head to skyrocket.

So I stopped taking them all together. Cold turkey sux. You never quite realize how bad it can be until you've become dependent on narcotics, and then just stop. I can't imagine what my dad would go through if he ever was rid of his migrains/headaches and stopped.

Yesterday I had taken over 32 IBprofen, and about 40mg of Hydrocodone (lortab). Who needed a liver anyway right? The sad part is that isn't my record...or even close to my record. Not that I want to push yesterdays dosage anyway though.

So...as of today...no more. I have ice packs for my head (the natural way to numb myself...and it doesn't make me stupid!).

I swear I answered everything honestly. This is really funny!!!! I wasn't trying to be evil..I just am! w00t!!!



How evil are you?

Look at that, another rabbit!

I think I lost count at 5000. That would be how many bunnies i've killed in World of Warcraft. I just randomly use a wand, rifle, or instant casted spell to annihilate thier little furry existence. Although technically they aren't furry at all. They are pixelated.

I've revamped my warcraft guild. Iron Alliance will be dedicated solely to DDO, and now Void Werks is the new warcraft.

"Um..what is Void Werks, and why did you spell it with an 'e'."

Void Werks is a concept that one tends to lean toward "pro-oblivion" in the context that maybe the burning legion is right, and some worlds just need to be blasted to small bits of space dust. Only the strong will survive and become powerful enough to shift thier soon to be immortal bodies into the Twisting Nether and join the rank and file of the demons.

Mind you...this is all in game RP rubbish. Sadly the developers will never allow any PC to become "honored" or even "neutral" with the burning legion or any of its many factions.

But one can hope.

As for the spelling of "werks". Its usually used in context to "making something". So to say Iron Werks would be a term for a foundry or a forge. Void Werks means we make lots of destruction for the ...you know i'm not even going to back on that tangent. You'll figure it out.

We are of course still alliance. I have dedicated my level 60 warlock to Power Leveling all my roomies. They are half way to 60 (over half actually). Then ...the raiding of molten core shall begin.

...and just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.

Today is kinda hellish. Woke u pwoth a really really bad migrain. I'm typing this with my eyes closed currently. (So excuse grammatical errors please). Although i'm in hell, I do hope you are all having a goo dweek. The weekend is almost here. Nothing else really to yack about, oh...except I scrapped my warcraft guild Iron Alliance (IA still exists in DDO but at this point I don't think i'm gonna have much involvement with that).

The new warcraft guild is called Void Werks. Think "addicted to magic" "burning legion's bitches". hehehe.

Clinking of the Glasses

So there I am reading my favorite web comic and I see that one of the writers had an anniversary with his wife. They had a hotel room to themselves, and the kid was with a sitter. What do they decide to do?

Raid Molten Core.

For those of you not in the know, Molten Core is a high end dungeon in an online game called World of Warcraft.

He also used his Mac to make a romantic photo gallery website about thier anniversary. WTF!?!

I'm a nerd. I love warcraft, and my other half plays it with me. But damn! If you get away from the kid for even a day....get the fun stuff out and ...get laid!!!!

Okay...now that I have that out of my system. I think its still kind of romantic they play games together and have such an amazing relationship.

By the way..if any of my readers wish to know more about World of Warcraft, there are a few links within this post that will provide important information about the game. =) You can always email me for more info or post here requesting it.

(Digital Crack Dealer)

LOOK OUT! ïòð

Jeremy is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Moo, yes...that's right. Moo.

Monday is over with. Its Tuesday now. Twice fold does the sun shine, and the moon gleam.

March 14, 2006

It's time to let your defenses down and let that certain someone know exactly how much you care, or you could inadvertently hurt their feelings. Learn from the past -- most importantly, heal from it.

Not a big fan of horoscopes, but i'll chalk that one up to just plain good advice. =)

So i've had this odd premonition the last week. Its gotten stronger and stronger until the point where yesterday I was up at 3am (its rare they ever wake me up at night like that). Some people just have an impact in my life, and no matter how much time has passed apart, I always think of them.

First Love.
This often brings to mind a puppy's crush, or teenage sweethearts. Push that asside. We got over that along time ago. What i'm refering to is the epiphany of realizing who you really first loved, and that it was an unconditional love. The kind that binds you to a person of your own free will. Not some kind of strange obsessive freakish stalker craziness.

Its more of the love that "This person will always have a special place in my heart, and I wish them only the best no matter what path they choose in life." So they could call you up at 2am and say "Hey, I'm bored and feel like waking you up at 2am." and you really don't have a problem with that. Hell, you even doing bitch about it later (how many friends can you say you could do that for?), but sadly that whole "lack of sleep" thing still catches up eventually. Bleck.

So there I am, up at 3am, and I see an email. "Someone in myspace sent you an email" and I feel drawn to it (damn the corporate machine!!!!). I open it, and login to myspace (OMG they weren't running maintenance at 3am?!?). There she is. Out of the friggin blue. Depicted as one of the kewlest anime characters ever created (Integra Hellsing), and just....there. BAM! (thanks Emeril)

Now of course this morning i'm stil up at the buttcrack of well before dawn even thinks of happening, but for those of you that don't know, this is when I normally get up for work. If all goes well, that won't last long and i'll be waking up much later. I am trying to get promoted. (those of you that pray to whatever you pray to, do so please..I could use it)

So i'll end this morning with Moo. Its better than bugawk, and less terrible then quack.

Moo.

It's all about Stephanie

So i've realized the growing trend of negative posts on my blog. I don't seem to have much "good news" to report. I'll admit, I use this online journal as a vent most of the time. Either way though i'd like to have an equal combination of good and bad, and everything in between. That way people aren't going "I need a dose of angst...lets read Jeremy's blog today".

So today's blog is about Stephanie. She's the roomie of my friend Jeremy. This awesome girl has skillz in massage therapy. She's also one of your modern day wicca practitioners, and has a way of just uplifting the spirit of the room she walks into. (and yes...sometimes she does walk "into" the room. hehehe)

Clutsiness asside, she's an amazing woman that is good at cutting to the point, and getting to the heart of the matter. I'm allowed no quarter if i'm in a crappy mood, and she's not satisfied until i've pulled my head out of my ass, and have a smile on my face.

Thank you for being a friend Stephanie. You r0xX0rz!!!

Squishy!!!!

So yesterday I was driving in Henderson. As I came up to the intersection of Green Valley Parkway and Pebble Road this small white car pulls into the intersection in front of me.

Everything slowed down. I never lose control (this is a blessing and a curse at times, and the source of much anxiety). I was able to swerve my car and impact more of the front section of his car and miss the passenger door. Good thing too since he had 3 children in the car...oh and he was a child too. Driver's permit, and no licensed person in the vehicle.

I watched the front of my car hit and then BAM...the slowness was gone. My airbag exploded and burned my arm and impacted my head (much better than the stearing wheel). I'll never think of airbags as baby killers again. I'm sooo thankful for them. I hit that car at 45mph (no time really to even hit the break, it happened that fast) was able to jerk the wheel to angle the car, but had that airbag not gone off, I don't think the seat belts would have been enough to stop me from getting seriously injured.

My passenger was uninjured as well. We were shaken, but not stired. So I get out of my car. The entire front of my car is an accordian, and i'm facing almost the other direction (I bounced). The other car was able to pull onto Pebble, and has a messed up tire, and the frame around it. Not much else is wrong with it. Nobody in thier car was injured.

Thier "mother" showed up later while we waited for the police to show up. Some paramedics were at the starbucks across the street and heard the impact. They came over and blocked up the street for us, and made sure we were alright. They also prevented the little delinquent from fleeing the scene (not that his car would have made it far to begin with). The mother had the nerve to say "Maybe I should have said I was in the car." Instead she was at work, and told her son to drive illegally to pick up his sister. I hope she gets a nasty judge that holds her more accountable for that situation.

She has the same insurance company as me, but my car is now sitting in the henderson tow yard. Its innoperable and completely smooshy. I'm really sore, but alright for now. I have a docs appointment monday. My migrain isn't back (thank god) but I have a headache, and my left shoulder is really sore. I am just thankful I was able to walk away from that. I drove my roomies car this morning to work. I refuse to let fear drag me down, and was able to drive well and still felt comfortable with being behind the wheel.

So much for me getting off my hydrocodone. =/ Now its keeping my head sane again. Between my headache and my shoulder, work would suck this morning, but insteads its all tollerable.

Bork bork!!!
(it's what the swedish chef does)

DDO headstart began. Its tons o' fun. Not a replacement for warcraft, but definitely enjoyable.

Work is going really good. My migrain has subsided to a managable level and I've weened myself off of the pain killers (cold-turkey baaaad). I was on them for over month. Getting off them is not easy. Stupid opiates!!! =(

Having allergies doesn't help that either because it gives me a headache..and nothing downs a headache like Lortab! Weeee!!!

All is well in the land of Nod.

Although I still have a migrain (going on over a month now), things are okay. I'm catching up on my bills, and getting ready to move into another apartment with some new/old roomies.

D&D Online is coming out. I pre-ordered it. Gonna be fun.

Can't really think too well right now. Gonna end the post here. Just figured i'd put something up.

No love for pain.


The weekend is over with, and although incredibly busy, I'm glad its overwith. Normally my weekends are a needed bit of respit I need to function the next week. In this case my weekend was non-stop busy. I was thankful today when I went into work. Last week I was suspended so maybe that has something to do with it (making money good).

I'm getting ready to begin my d20 project. I can't reveal much of it yet, but I have a team of collaberators now. It will be fun I think.

My mom has to put down her dog this friday. I'm not looking forward to that. I feel so helpless. I've tried so hard to help her out. Nothing we did worked though. She has a cancerous infection in her leg. It has swollen so much that she can't walk on it, and can't even walk down steps. The infection is so far spread that even if we had the leg amputated there is very little chance she'd survive the process.

Steve is still in the Hospital for his stomach problems. They finally run some tests yesterday. That would be 4 days before they actually did anything. The day shift still neglects him, and won't give him enough pain killers. He's supposed to go through another test today. Hopefully tomorrow they'll at least discharge him so he can be in a more comfortable environment.

Three weeks was too long.

....(if you haven't read today's earlier post, know that this is a later post)

Today is the first day I didn't wake up with searing pain shooting across my skull. I feel stretched rather thin. Although i'm not in pain (and thus not loaded on meds..I go cold turkey well), I can still feel residual pain (think of it like phantom pain or left over soreness). I should be good after the weekend as long as Mr. Migrain doesn't deside to stuff another cattleprod in my eyeballs.

Okay, so here is my update on events.

I saw Underworld Evolutions about 2 weeks ago. Now mind you I had been suffereing for a week at this point from the migrain, but either I got the stupid idea to invite an ex, and an ex to the same event. It didn't turn into a cat fight, but I certainly got a mental slap to the head for it.

Now in my defense, I haven't exactly been too keen emotionally in the last year, and its felt like its been constantly getting worse. I broke up with an ex, and soon afterwards I let that "lonely" feeling one gets when you are recently single set in and caved in to date a new roomie. That didn't last too long, but by then I guess the damage was done. When someone references "this is why i'm not friends with ex's" it just strikes me as slightly hipocritical since said person is friends with me (and i'm an ex). I won't give up on trying to build a good friendship with more meaning that simple drama though (i'm stubborn like that, and think that certain people in my life has valuable qualities that make them exceptional in this world filled with people that choose to be unexceptional).

So then...

The next day I get a call at 2am from another ex (whom i've maintained an amazing friendship with as well) who was up on oregon...except he's no longer in oregon, and is in town, and wants to hang for a bit before he goes to his mom's in sandy valley (otherwise known as the netherworld!!!...if you've ever been to sandy valley you know what i'm talking about).

He had an absess (I think I spelled that right) and so the next day I took him to UMC and they drained the absess (not a fun process since it is in a very uncomfortable place). So they spew out,"You need to return daily to have the bandaging changed out." Of course i'm like "why can't we change it out ourselves." (later on I found out why...cuz open wounds are the most expensive things to treat in the world..the IDOSORB stuff they use on it costs 80 bucks for a tube smaller than toothpaste). Needless to say I inform my roomie that we'll have a guest for the week (notice the lack of "ask").

At this point i've been heavily taking my pain medications. The stuff my doc gave me for migrains isn't working, and one of the pain meds is making my stomach seriously upset. So our new guest assists in taking care of my dog (she's adorable...not that he attempted to resist, but if he had it would have been futile), and cleaning up around the apartment, etc...

So the whole week long I get the "jealous shoulder" bit. I ignore it because I really just have no stomach for stupid games.

So Thursday comes around. I wake up at 2am in the morning, and begin vomitting from the intense vertigo I was suffering from my migrain and the throbbing pain of the headache that accompanied it. I took my pain meds etc....but there was no way I was gonna get behind the wheel and drive to work.

I stayed home that day, and couldn't get ahold of my doctor. Turns out he was out of town. Friday turned out the same with my stomach and brain malfunctioning. I didn't sleep a wink. Saturday, same. Sunday I broke down and went to quickcare. They gave me a shot of Toredol (I think that is what it was), and a whole lot of it at that. So much that about 30 minutes later my face was jittery, and I could feel my teeth turning colors (think about that for a moment). I'm sure part of that was the brain damage, but anyway...

I get to work on monday and my supervisor spins me right around and takes me to the hallway. I sign the little paper, and bing..i'm suspended. I was gonna be fired if policy would have had its reign, but for once i'm at a job where they actually like me and feel I do my job pretty well. So my super went to bat for me. I had 3 days off to get my stuff taken care of. Mind you i'm so broke it isn't funny...5 days off pay is not going to be good.

I goto the doctor on tuesday. He's back in town. I inform him that the meds suck and the migrain is still kickin and in charge. So he tells me to stop taking the stuff that hurts my stomach (duh), and gives me 2 different migrain inhibitors to try and see which one works better. He also gives me a refill prescription for my hydrocodone (mmmm...good stuff).

So, the chaos of the last two weeks has started to diminish. Sorta. Friend from oregon is in the hospital again, but this time for his stomach. He had his galbladder removed a few months ago because it was infected. Last night his mom gave him bad pizza and it sprouted adamantium claws and tore up his stomach some more.

I think I recapped everything as best as my memory will serve me right now. This morning my migrain has diminished. I'll take the last of my inhibitor meds this afternoon just to be on the safe side.

I'm exhausted, but in a generally good mood. Things are looking up. I'll be living with some friends at the end of the month. (lived with them before, so not so many suprises) Lots of warcraft playing going on. Less drama please.

Optimism is best.

Always expect things to go well, but be prepared to handle the unexpected.

I said that to a friend this morning, and it just seemed to click. Life has been hectic at best recently, and I cannot wait for the month to be over with. I'm moving at the end of the month. My roomie is a nice guy, but he's too financially and emotionally unstable. That and he throws tantrums better than any 13 year old i've known.

I usually feel like i'm hopping from one frying pan into another. Last move was due to the fact I had a crap job, and couldn't afford my rent and bills. Also my previous roomies were either not around much, or just were in a world of thier own. Great guys mind you, but i'm just into completely different things, and so there wasn't much social time with them.

Had I not moved I would have been in a worse situation. Right after I moved, I blew 3 tires on my car (not simultaneously...one right after the other, within a few days of each). So things worked out in the end I guess.

Of course I moved in with someone that had even less in common with me, but was a decent conversationalist. When you sit and talk with him, he sounds perfectly normal and seems to have a level head. Then you see him in action, and you might as well be watching a wind up toy that moves in a straight line. No room for deviations there. If something doesn't go exactly as he planned it (down to every detail in his mind) he is completely unsatisfied with the results.

...i'll post the details of my happenings since my last blog later today.

Crippling

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing new there. Head pounding, and every little noise within a mile creeped through my walls to ensure me I couldn't sleep. Then I get up as my alarm clock screams at me.

I couldn't find my keys.

Suddenly i'm very much awake. I tore my room apart. I couldn't find my keys. So at that point I felt my anxiety levels reach a point that I haven't felt in a very long time. I can't really describe how I felt realizing I couldn't goto work this morning. I had to call in, and on top of it my head is not doing so good (and neither is my sanity).

Finally after 2 hours of destroying my room, I went back to bed, and unconciousness took me. Although I think I would have passed out anyway had I not tried to lay down. I'm going to goto UMC later when I get my keys, and see if they'll give me a prescription for my pain meds, and a note for work so my boss doesn't kill me. (or worse, fire me)

per·spi·cac·i·ty

Acuteness of perception, discernment, or understanding.

What we have here...

...is an inability to communicate. I wouldn't call it a failure, because the attempt and desire is there. Words just simply fail to communicate properly. I try to express how I feel, and what is going on in my mind, but am accosted by a combination of frustration, anxiety, and find that the expression I wish to use doesn't exist in the english language. At least at that moment, it doesn't come to mind.

So instead I type and delete various sentences over and over again trying to find the right thing to say. In the end the result is the same as just sitting there staring at you, wordlessly unable to express myself. I tell you...at times its enough to make me feel like death would be a mercy (although i'm far too stubborn to accept that, not too mention i'm not that shallow and love my friends and family too much to take that chicken shit route out of this...so don't even go there).

See what I mean? My above comment is a simple example of how the words I want to use may or may not convey what I want to say. So instead I stumble back across what i've typed to re-itterate my point and be sure there isn't any room for deviation for what i'm trying to say.

The consiquences of what I say have disasterous consiquences that i'm not always willing to face. Too many times my lack of phonetical skill has betrayed my ability to express my emotions in a situation, and someone has taken what i've said the wrong way. Usually such a simple matter of just explaining myself, but had you met the people i've met, you'd know such a thing isn't possible when people are willing to crash you against the cliffs of ridicule. Or when the consiquence could be losing someone you never want to let go of. So instead I stagnate, and unless I can find the right words, and things to say, unless I can find a salvation from my consiquences then I watch as my bonds between friends, family, and loved ones fades away into nothingness...instead of severing...they just erode.

I won't stand for stagnation. I won't erode. I will not be subject to self destruction in any form. I will find a way to express myself. I will crush those who attempt to bring me down, and I will rise above my situation. Nobody shall find thier back upon my heal though. I need not push anyone down to rise up. In fact I wish to bring as many up with me as I possibly can. The universe has more than enough wealth, energy, prosperity, and life that we can all share it with no need for greed or desperation.

....yet here I am...desperate.

Chi flow

A leaf falls in the forest.....(no no no...every stupid thought of tranquility starts with a stupid forest and leaves...lets start over).

Loud music assaults the senses and the force of bass throbs every muscle in your body.

You are invigorated with energy. Your favorite song is playing so loud that you'll be deafened for hours after leaving the concert. People brush up against you, and they are all smiling, and checking you out. The person you've been kinda thinking about is pushed up to you, and grinding against you.

Your body sways back and forth to the sound of the music, and all the cares and worries flow away. Everything feels in alignment, and you gain your focus to persue the challenges of the day.


(...this alternative meditation technique has been brought to you by Jeremy. May your weekend be powerful)

1.9 and the babies cry.

The new patch for warcraft came out yesterday. Lots and lots of complaining commenced. Personally it was just a typical patch. Nothing extraordinary happened that doesn't happen every patch.

Mail went nucking futs (nothing new). Lots of UI mods need fixing now (working as intended). Tons of class features changed, and the lemmings hate having to try something new (cry more newb!).

I like the patch. Soulshard bags 4 the win!!!

Oh, I got to run Molten Core last night for the first time. We killed Lucifron and Magmadar. It was lots of fun!

I need to get keyed for Onyxia though.

In the darkness...

I stand on the edge of madness,
or maybe i've already jumped that cliff.
One can never tell until you hit the bottom, but by then who cares.

Fighting against this sadness,
trying not to sink into despair.
My emotions drive me toward this terror of which my soul it scares.

Fear consumes my waking hours,
and sleep forever fleeting never brings peace.
I close my eyes to hide from darkness, but shut out all the light.

It's not mine, but once was ours,
those things that bleed I cannot heal,
but i'll stand up to your demise, and your demons I shall fight.

In the light of your sight I stand tall.
In the darkness out of right, I shall fall.
You cannot fight what you cannot see,
and I hide within the darkness behind my wall.

written by: Jeremy Wunders
digital signature 01/03/06

Welcome to the New Year...

It's kinda like saying "welcome to the jungle" if you live in vegas. This place becomes absolute chaos. So I tend to avoid anything near the strip.

I wish you all a happy new year, and best wishes to the next annual period. May your goals be reached, and your dreams come true. Party hard, but also remember to be safe. Seriously..if you drink, have a designated driver, or don't drive. If you are somewhere that you can't crash and don't have a designated driver, then you went to the wrong place. Sober up with lots of water. =) Get home safe.

Enjoy.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Its not just a day. Its a season. From Thanksgiving through most of January, this time is supposed to remind us of what "good will towards men" means (in the ancient context where men refered to all of the human race, and not just the male gender...aka mankind).

Hope you all have a wonderful time!

Merry Christmas Eve

The holiday season has been a time of joy, and a time of a bit of sorrow as well. I've done my best to keep my head up. There are certain situations where my heart has strained though. I have all this love to give to everyone, and I reserve a special place in my heart for some people in my life.

I fail those I love. I hate it. I'm so human, and it drives me crazy. There are times when I wake up and I don't want to face the day. I want to scream right now actually. I'm feeling rather poetic (angst does that), and i'm so destraught with myself. Don't get me wrong, there are some great things i'm doing in my life right now. There are just a few things though were I'm just feeling like I'm this total asshole.

So..here I am listening to a CD that was made for me. I'm kinda balling my eyes out. I have a hard time expressing how I feel, and I use the music I listen to as a way for me to vent my emotions...so I guess it makes sense that its also the easiest way to get me to empathize with you.

How, oh how do I say "I'm sorry" in such a way as to express how I feel. How do I make myself vulnerable in the ways I need to, and yet keep my strength where you need it? I feel like such a terrible person. There is so much I can't say, and so much I want to. Am I being selfish or am I protecting those close to me. For now i'm just going to curl up and cry myself to sleep. In my dreams i'll find a way....

This song tends to be my theme song for how I feel inside most of the time:

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright
I feel like there is no need for conversation

Burning Bright, by Shinedown

Scalops & Clay

So I had a small Christmas party/gathering/little not much of a get together. I didn't invite many people (mainly because my roomie invited too many of his friends/coworkers/peers).

Either way it was decent, and fun.

Sadly, it was during the week. I don't like having things like this during the week because I wind up having to goto sleep late and suffer at work the next day.

I haven't updated my blog much because i'm sick and grumpy. =P

I think I got all my xmas shopping done..I hope.

The Dark Chicken of the Apokolypse.

So last night I went to my Great Grandmother's birthday. She's 95. Amazing she has lived this long, and she's a nice lady until she opens her mouth and lets something mean and foul fly forth into this world to flay the skin from our bones.

My relatives decided they were going to smoke like chimney's and now my lungs feel like a pair of over used scouring pads, and my throat feels like it was scoured by them.

So today I shall kick back and relax and recouperate.

¡Ataque de los tomates del asesino!
¡Ataque de los tomates del asesino!
¡Le batirán, golpearle, aplastarle,
triturarle mastiqúele para arriba
para el brunch y acábele apagado
para la cena o el almuerzo!

¡Están marchando abajo de los pasillos - se están arrastrando
encima de las paredes que son gooey, gushy, blando, pesado - putrefactos a la base están estando parados fuera de su puerta!

¡Recuerde Herman Farbage mientras que elimina su basura que él dio vuelta alrededor y él vio que los tomates que ocultan en su árbol él son justos ahora una memoria! ¡Sé que voy a faltarla - un tomate comió a mi hermana que cayó Sacramento hoy - están marchando en tomates del San Jose están en su manera!

Me gustan las ranas.

Mi argot es todo incorrecto. Sé que esto es duro de traducir pero ésa es autorización porque Bolonia le obliga. Está bailando en su cabeza, y tengo gusto de las pequeñas salmueras del norte. Por supuesto ninguno de este sentido de la marca, porque su 6:30 de la mañana.

Did I mention I like frogs and pants?

So Christmas gets closer and closer, and more and more I find myself enbroiled in the retail nightmare that is commercialized holidays. I must buy gifts for people I appreciate very much in my life, and I stress because I want them to like the gift (I don't buy ties or sweaters, even if you beg me for them).

I of course need clothing, so I will truelly appreciate any such articles (unless they are tasteless bits of exploded color on cloth that should never be worn by a human being. If you think I look good dressed as the del taco spokes person, you need to be ran over...allot).

I was tempted to put "liquid chemical flame thrower" or "Home-made Napalm for Dummies" on my gift list, but I decided not to (because if you are my true friend, you already know I want these things, and do everything in your power to prevent my aquisition of them).

Everybody's PSPin. I want one...i've wanted one for awhile...ever since some evil monkey let me play lumins i've had this hypnotic song in my mind that keeps chiming away. My coworkers torment me with it, and my friends flaunt them like kewl hip new jeans that I wish to remove from thier person (for jealous and naughty reasons all in the same).

To the dungeon with you....

So DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online) is starting its stress test. For those of you interested you can find it on File Planet.

I've been in the official beta for several months now though. Must say, i'm rather impressed. Its not like other MMOs in reguards to running around and exploring a huge world. Instead its allot of instanced dungeon crawling with allot of group support. If you are looking for something more akin to the tabletop experience, then this is the game for you.

I'm going to be updating my game site www.ironalliance.com with info and new themes for DDO. Its not going to have me giving up warcraft, but it will be fun to call up a few of you, and say "Hey lets go kill a dragon" and not need 40 people to do it.

Plus DDO has built in voice chat...no more ventrillo or teamspeak!

I dance because i'm sexy.

Since its monday, i'll refrain from anything overly negative in today's post. My buddy Andrew passed his driving test. Yaaay! (run for your lives!!!!)

Hellscream's queue went up to over 500 Sunday. That is a new record. As of today the server is now accepting transfers to the Staghelm server. For those of you tempted to do this..don't. Staghelm has had a reputation of having bugs and lots of downtime, and is already a full server. This transfer makes no sense to me.

I figure once they offer the pay for xfer service, i'll pester people I know to unite on another server or to all migrate to hellscream.

In other news, slashdot had a fun little article about Narnia:

louismg writes "Walt Disney Pictures' Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe took in more than $100 million at the box office worldwide in its opening weekend, riding the back of special effects powering nearly all the movie's characters, from the lion Aslan to the Gryphon, Minotaur, Centaurs and more. VFXWorld has a series of diaries with the technology geeks at Rhythm & Hues behind the special effects. (Part 1, 2) For the fantasy film's special effects, Rhythm & Hues teamed up with Industrial Light and Magic and Sony Pictures Imageworks to deliver more than 1,400 shots for the film, and used cutting-edge technology from BlueArc, NVIDIA and others to keep the effects' production running."

I like frogs. That is all.

The medium is angst, and the canvas....

As much as I never wanted to use this as a tool for my inner turmoil, it seems I have very little outlets to do so. I find my emotions almost running me over at times and as of lately more so.

I am angry.

How can someone be so damn selfish! Have I ever done something so terrible to a persons emotions and feelings so deliberately? If so, I beg forgiveness because there are punishments that include scourging that might seem pleasant compared to be ruled by the fires of despair.

It is one thing, to realize you don't love someone. It is another to never tell them, and instead take out every bit of your turmoil upon them, and subject them to verbal torment.

I reserve my angst. I hold it within me, and calmly attempt to confront that which vexes me. At times, people will not let me find resolution to these things, or I don't have the courage to carry through. But the later is my own sin.

I have given so much, and never expected anything in return. There isn't a "payment" I demand for my emotions, my adoration, or my friendship. There never should be. It's not "given" if there is expected payment. Its instead a "loan" of goodness. You'll be placated, and held in check, but should you ever think that you have recieved anything real or substantial, instead you shall find a hollow husk of emotion. A deceptive mask worn over a bitter face.

Torment drives the fire within me right now. I have no time for revenge. There is no justice to exact. Such thoughts are for the mad. There is simply this..a problem..and a solution. Now, for the courage to do what must be done, lest I be to blame for the situation I have allowed myself to become embroiled in.

More tales from the desert of the selfish.

So, i'm gonna vent (hey..daily posts means you get whatever I feel like posting at the moment). Last night I went to Walmart with my roomie. He bought himself a rather nice Eliptical machine (he has bonespurs so this is easier on his feet for working out). A very good investment in health if you ask me.

So we get back home at 10pm. Fact 1 - I get up at 4am for work. Fact 2 - Hammers are loud.

He decides he wants to put the eliptical together. So I go relax and get ready to goto sleep. At one point I help him a little by holding up one component while he hooks up some of its inner components. Then I goto bed (at this point its 10:30). I get woke up abruptly by him yelling and pounding a hammer. Walking into the hallway I ask him what's the matter and get a very loud and angry reply of ,"FUCK IT! It doesn't fucking matter!"

I got the impression earlier that he expected me to help him put this thing together. He didn't ask me before he started. He waited until he had already began, and had he asked me earlier I would have told him "I have to sleep, lets do this tomorrow."

So after getting growled at angrily..I shrugged and went back to sleep.


How inconsiderate and selfish can one person get? Obviously at lot more than I expect people to be capable of.

Keeping with the machine.

So per request, I shall see for how long I can go posting daily on my blog. I warn you though, that some of it might be senseless dribble as I strain to find things to post about.

Still working on my DnD d20 game (and i'll continue to update the status of that daily too). Got a handle on a possible balance issue with divine spellcasters. I am setting them to be able to heal at will for a minor amount instead of heal a big amount only so many times per day.

This would have unbalanced the times between encounters as the whole party would just get fully healed. So instead the act of healing will be "empathic" of sorts. The healer will take 1 point of vitality damage per 1d6 points of damage healed. This makes it to where the healer cannot heal themselves immediately. Instead there will be an invocation they can take called "Desperation" that will allow them to heal themselves at the cost of an ability point per 1d6 (they get to choose the ability point that takes the temp damage).

My coworkers are annoying. Not all of them...just 2. They misdocument tickets, and cause the customers to call in with completely worse problems than they originally had. I want to douse them in karosine and light them on fire. *anger*

But that annoying "murder charge" is the only thing holding me back. Down with democracy....i'll become a tyrant and everyone will love me, because i'll make them, with violence!!!!

For the raving masses.

Fine! I shall cave to pressure and blog more often. I shal subjekt yu to mai speleeng trajedies.

Hehe. I've began working on a custom D20 system again (some of you roll your eyes at this...i'll eat them..I swear..). It gives me something to do while i'm at work. Plus while I do this, i'm also going to be righting a story/novel along with it. I'm hoping that they'll symbiotically work together. The game system will give me balance, and the novel will keep my ideas flowing.

I'll update info on that as it comes along, and as inspiration of course makes itself aparent.

Marvelous Sigil

So Sigil, an up and coming MMO producing company (that happens to be made up of the oldest most experienced MMO creators in the industry) got the rights to make the Marvel MMO.

This is no suprise on Marvel getting into the MMO arena, since they attempted to sue the hell out of NCsoft.

What do you guys think of this? These guys made Everquest, and are making Vanguard. Personally I like Turbine's style and player commitment.

Karma I think has struck.

Why is it, that we neglect those that appreciate us, and tend to bend over backwards to please people who don't respect us?

I think the Japanese got it right. Even if someone despises you with every fiber of their being, they'll still give you respect until you do something to not deserve it (in which case its your responsibility to restore that respect...not theirs).

(Warning: what you are about to read is laced with some venting. So emotional stress can make the statements seem cruel or harsh)

My roomie is a very selfish person. Don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't respect me. The worse part is he doesn't realize he doesn't respect me. I pick him up from work everyday. I hang out with him all the time to keep him from getting bored, and run him where ever he needs to go for errands and what not. Should I need to do something though, I get nothing but grief to the point where he makes me late for whatever engagement i'm attempting to get to.

He tells me he appreciates the things I do for him. I think he's unintentionally lying. He doesn't respect me. We have very little in common. He watches shows that I find mentally appauling. Like pretty much everything on eMpTyV, and VH1. He listens to R&B and pop. His idea of hanging out and having fun with friends is an odd form of mingling, drinking alcohol, and preferably being in a heavily social setting surrounded by people he doesn't necessarily know, nor care to be around.

I watch SciFi, and pretty much 95% of the shows I like, he has no desire to watch. So I change the channel for him to try to find something we both like. He gets upset when I don't want to watch the shows he's watching.

I listen to lots of music, including rock and heavy metal. He accuses my music of being "negative angry music" which for the most part he's correct. But its an outlet for me. Either way I try to turn the radio to something we both like, and it ends up being black eyed peas or some such nonsense that my brain is starting to rebel against. (just proof that i'm not designed to think fluffy thoughts...especially about a chicks lovely lumps.)

I don't mind going out from time to time, but I have a budget I have to maintain. I don't like drinking anymore, and the last thing I want to do is associate with sicofants. I've chosen my friends wisely over the last decade, and I trust them. Needless to say, my roomie doesn't like rpgs, computer games, or anime. So he doesn't want to hang out with my friends. (Cuz drinking and gambling seem to be more amusing?!?)

I've attempted to bring up alternatives to find decent association or things to do when hanging out, but all my ideas are shot down. He doesn't even try anymore.

Now of course this just bakes my bacon even more because I broke off an association with someone that had far more in common with me, and appreciated my time far more. Why did I do this? Because of some very complicated and at most psychotic circumstances. I've come to realize i'm not exactly the most stable person in the world, and my emotions tend to run me over. Part of that is this annoying bottling in thing I do instead of just speaking my mind or getting stuff off my chest.

Damage is done though. Now I just need to tactfully inform my current roomie that our current arrangement is not going to be able to continue, and then move on with my life and find another roomie. I'd live by myself but i'm in the process of paying off certain utilities that I find essential. (Like power, and cable)

.....CABLE IS TOO ESSENTIAL DAMMIT!!!!

"I need to jump over the moon..."
~rent

Happy Thanksgiving!

Eat lots, and work it off later. =)

"We'd like to give thanks to the indians. Whom we came, gave diseases, killed thier people, and stole thier lands. You guys are awesome!"

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

blah blah blah..all lies!!!

Clown suits?!?

Its 1:40am and i'm awake rather suddenly thanks to a bout of food poisoning. Carl's Jr's new portobello mushroom burgers are gooooooood...but not so much coming back up. So after that was finished with, I found that laying back down didn't seem very appealing.

Hop on computer, kick back in thrown, pet my kitty cat, and log onto yahoo. Low and behold I get to chat with my ever nocturnal friend (we'll call him Juan because its fun to pronounce and is nothing like his actual name) Juan. We have a almost decade old joke going about his parents having sex....in clown suits (hence the title of today's post).

I always like talking to Juan. He has good things to say (or just very realistic), and of course finds a way to get me laughing so hard that I think i'm gonna have a heart attack.

Who needed a liver anyway?

So this weekend was going fantastic, until my migrain decided it was going to completely debilitate me on sunday morning. I woke up to pain. So some IBprofen and hydrocodone later, its still making my brain short circuit. The usual supliments didn't even phase it.

So my mom came over and brough a darvaset (not sure if I spelled it correctly). I forced down some speghetti and took the pill. It got me to the point that if I laid still enough I could actually close my eyes and attempt to sleep. Problem is, everything under the sun was able to wake me up. Heck, I could hear my cat walking through the hall...how creepy is that.

Now i've woken up this morning and my stomach is rebelling against the pain killers, and i'm on another hydrocodone in hopes that I won't have to take another darvaset. The worst part is my roomie is like,"If you had insurance..." and my response is,"...they'd just give me painkillers...which i'm taking right now."

The Burning Tiraid

So world of warcraft has released some information on thier new expansion. Looks pretty kewl so far. Blood elves are making me question my loyalty to the alliance though. They can absorb magic like a freakin vampire, and then use it to revitalize thier mana, rage or energy. WTF...I really hope the alliance race is that amazing.

Even if it turns out to be Pandaren, as long as they are done well, i'll be happy. Although, mind you...I don't want Pandaren.

The outlands opens up a realm of infinite possibility for game expansion. As does the Caverns of Time. Very smart move on blizzards part. You will be able to partake in the battles of the past.

What the hell happened to heroic classes?!?

Back in the saddle.

I got my website back up and running. New look and all that. My guild is also reformed on the Hellscream server. Feels good again.

So they say Blood Elves might be one of the new playable races in the warcraft expansion (whenever that is gonna come out..who knows). They are horde. SUX!!! I wanna play one so badly...they are kewl

Anyway. I'll get to that road later. For now i'm just trying to get my warlock to level 60. Would be nice to actually be able to run raids hehe.

Sheltered people

So I have a friend who's never seen the Lord of the Rings series. Not to mention, he owns every Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elmstreet (including the TV series), but has yet to see any of the Hellraiser movies.

So Dave and me have subjected him to the first two movies of LotR so far. Like a crack addict...I think he's hooked MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Bizzare Weekend

I have to work today. It makes my whole weekend feel funny. I haven't really been in the mood to do anything.

It's taking forever for my direct deposit to go through too. So i'm still getting mailed my checks, which like to decide they won't arrive until monday on weekends when I need them by friday (go figure).

Razzlfrazzle!!!

It wasn't the CD-Rom Drive.

I replaced the CD burner with a new one and the Windows install bombed at the same percent again. So I replaced the hard drive again! Then it bombed again. At this point I was tired, hungry and frustrated beyond belief.

I removed one of the RAM sticks, and it bombed at 30%. So I swapped the sticks and Vwing! It installed. It was the ram the whole time. How evil!

Winblows through computer hell.

My objective was simple. Replace my dad's hard drive, and install a OEM copy of Windows XP Pro that I had purchased from Fry's. His computer is over 3 years old and thus the hard drive he had was forming bad sectors (at least it did just out right fail, but it was almost as bad since it hosed his email).

The hard drive was cake. Dell computers rock with thier hardware layout. They have the plastic guard rails that let you just pop a component out instead of having to unscrew it from the frame. Took all of 2 minutes to do that. w00t!

So with it all hooked up and air dusted off, I insert the Windows CD, and start the setup process. It gets to 80% copying setup files, and KABLOOEY!

"There was an error trying to copy file somethingoranother.dll. Would you like to retry, skip, or just give up you stupid mortal?"

So I hit retry. "Resistance if futile Error." WTF!?! So I skip. Next file, Error. Next File, Error. *Smashes head into desk repeatedly.

So I call for backup. Jaime shows up with another version of windows...the type of version that doesn't have boot files on it. So we do another trip back to his place and get his emergency boot disk, and another copy of windows. Third time's the charm right?

So with some russian boot disk drive letter swapping fun, I stop that nonsense and use the Windows Media Center edition of XP disk we brought (of course I figured my OEM CD key wasn't gonna work but I didn't care much at that point.

Copying setup files...........80% DING "Silly mortal, Tricks are for kids."

AAARRRGGG!!! So it wasn't the copy of windows. It was his CD ROM going nucking futs! By this point it as almost 9pm. I was tired, and here it is 4am which came all too quickly. Today I get to try again. I'll be putting in a new CD ROM (I think i'll go nuts and get him a DvD Burner mwa hahahaha!!!!)

Awesome weekend

Picked my roomie up from the airport. Did some photoshop work, and getting another web project going. Lots of fun!

I have to work sunday (which is technically today since its after midnight). Its only a 4 hour shift, and from what my coworkers tell me its non-stop busy. I like that. The day goes by faster when there's no downtime. Plus the calls I take are challenging. It's always something new, and often requires some real thought behind figuring out what these people are actually asking for LOL.

example: "Yah, I can't get my database to replicate (replication is a term used for Lotus Notes, since it uses a 'replicator' page for downloading databases to a local copy)."

"Okay, no problem, let me remote into your system and i'll take a look at your lotus notes databases."

"Okay"

Remote process completed

"Okay, i'm showing your lotus notes replicate just fine."

"Oh, its not in lotus notes. My synchronization for my other program isn't working."

"Uh, okay. Sorry, you said replicate, and I assumed lotus notes. And since you didn't say anything after I mentioned i'd look at your lotus notes, I figured that is what you were having a problem with."

"Oh, so that page that says replicator page is what you guys think of when we say replicating? I just call everything that. heh."

(Now mind you, I should have probed and asked what program they were having a problem with)

-=Next Call=-

"Yah i'm getting an error message with my email." (all of them use lotus notes for email, but what the hell right?)

"No problem. What program are you using for email?"

"What do you mean no problem? And what kind of stupid question is that? We all use Lotus notes!"

(troubleshooting commences while the user continues to let me know how stupid I am)

-=Next Call=-

"Yah i'm getting an error message when I try to download my email."

"No problem. Let me remote in." (clickity click click) "Your email seems to be replicating fine."

"Oh its not in lotus notes. I was talking about my outlook express program." (duh..of course you were.)

"I'm sorry, we don't support the use of that program. Per ...(interupted by babbling client)"

"What?! How the heck am I supposed to get my personal email then? This is redicul(interupted by annoyed support tech)."

"Per Security Policy you are not authorized to use that program. Your equipment is not for personal use, and is company provided. The use of non-standard programs is a violation of terms of use."

"Non-standard? It comes installed on the computer."

"Yes, and on the documentation you recieved that was placed inside the lid of the laptop it explains that the program was disabled and is not authorized. You had to do something to enable it again, which means you used non-standard unauthorized software to hack your company computer for personal use."

"But my manager gave me the program."

"So he's involved as well?"

"Um...how about you just remove it for me, and leave it at that."

"Sure thing. I'd be happy to remove all non-standard software from the laptop. I'll even back up your email for you so you can save it to disk and put it on a personal computer."

"Thanks!"

(I'm such a nice guy.)

Beta whore

So far i've gotten into 2 online beta's in the last week. Both very good games. So in response i've began updating my online gaming guild website.

Of course its been so long since i've used frontpage and photoshop that I had to brush back up on a few skillz the hard way hehe. It was fun killing everything a few times.

You can access my forums at http://www.ironalliance.com/forums

That is just in case the front end of my site dies horribly.

Paradox

I am taking my roomie to the airport this morning. Then I get to be in the apartment by myself for a week. Lots and lots to do though.

I'm at a loss as to what else to put here though. So I figured i'd just update this for the sake of updating. =)

How is your day going?

Something to think about...you decide how your day is going regardless of what has happened. My day is fantastic!!!

Cough of Doom

So annoying. I have this cough thing. I was doing "okay" (except the nausea, and breathing problems), but now this cold is getting on my nerves.

=( stupid transition of seasons.

On the road again.

Weeeeeeeeee. I'm moving again today. I'm excited. I get a bigger room for my stuff, and I get to be on a ethernet connection again instead of a wireless one.

Wireless wasn't bad, just something kept disconnecting me every 20-30 minutes and so gaming was a pain in the butt.

If any of you need computer work, or know somebody who does, i'm going to be starting a side business of servicing computers for people.

-Adware/spyware removal
-Virus removal/Antivirus checkup
-Performance Maintenance
-Desktop Design Requests
-Remote support

$150 for 3 months service, includes:
2 physical visits a month no charge (service fee is $35 after that)
10 Remote desktop connections ($10 for every 2 after that)

Advanced services are negotiable but are not included in the service package above.

Zoink!!

I graduated from the PSI basic seminar last night. Wonderful stuff. Lots of you guys showed up to support me, and that is awesome. Thank you!

Now what's next?

I'm moving this weekend. Man I love moving (not). Hehe..but its all good. With the ethernet connection i'll have available, I'll be able to mess with linux a bit more.

I'm a jerk.


This is not a cop out. Its just a cold hard fact I have recently faced more fully than I ever have. Its not an excuse, and I make no reasons for it. Because that would not be facing up to it. It would be accepting it instead of doing something about it.

Of course i'm apologetic, but that won't change the fact either. It is something I have to deal with. So I ask you guys this. As my friends, I ask that you don't stay silent. Call me on my stuff. Support me in wanting to change that aspect. When I spaz out, when I demand control, when I flake out and don't follow my word no matter how simple that promise was...say something. Don't remain silent. If you do this for me, I may get angry with you then, but I will thank you for it later.

I feel like there is no need for conversation.
some questions are better left, without reason.
I would rather reveal myself than my, situation.
Now and then I consider my hesitation.

The more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes.
The more the dark consumes me, I pretend i'm burning...burning bright.

I wonder if the things I did, where just to be different.
To spare myself all the constant shame of my, existence.
I would surely redeem myself in my, desperation.
Here and now i'll express, My situation.

the more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes.
the more the dark consumes me, I pretend i'm burning bright.
the more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes.
the more the dark consumes me, I pretend i'm burning bright.

There's nothing ever wrong, but nothings ever right.
Such a cruel contradriction.
I know i've crossed the line. Its not easy to define.
I'm born to indecision.
There is always something new, some path i'm supposed to choose,
with no particular rhyme or reason.

the more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes.
the more the dark consumes me, I pretend i'm burning bright.
the more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes.
the more the dark consumes me, I pretend i'm burning...

I feel like there is no need for, conversation....

~Shinedown, burning bright

A rollercoaster built to crash

Its such an appropriate phrase. I've been fighting with a continuous migrain for 3 weeks now. The longest one i've had ever. Although its not always trying to kill me. Sometimes its just simmering on low, which just makes me sick to my stomach and kills my appetite while making me see spots if I get exposed to too much light. Joy.....dain bramage.

Job is going GREAT!!! I'm so blessed to have this job. Everything is happening so fast right now. I'll be filing bankrupcy soon. I got my dad to help me find a decent attourney for it. He should have something for me today.

I'm gonna be moving over the next 2 and a half weeks. I'll be allot closer to work....gas money savings$$$

I've been playing City of Heroes allot lately. I preorderd City of Villains. I'm going to be reorganizing and reforming my guild for the launch of it in November. So if any of you are interested goto www.ironalliance.com and check out my latest post.

Oh...and I took this quiz I found on Baby Eaters blog:

Welcome to the first level of hell.

Those were the words uttered to me at work today. My first day that is. I am not intimidated though. I've worked jobs like this before and realize, that liking or disliking this job is all in your choice and perception. You choose to hate it or like it (or even both).

Needless to say, the person who spoke this negative phrase generally has only negative things to say in general.

Grain of salt aside...I had a blast today. Lots of information to absorb. Got a gauge of my supervisors, and of course got the rundown of other people's opinions of them as well. Another point I tend to believe on people making things out to be allot worse than they really are.

One of my sup's has been labeled as a micromanaging stick up his butt kinda guy. I find that if you do your job well, those people tend to seem less like that too you. Mind you...a power trip is a power trip, and those people will still tend to put preasure on you, but even then, you attract less attention than the guy they are getting screamed at about by upper management because he/she didn't fill out a trouble ticket correctly, etc.

Got to "shadow" some calls (where I sit next to someone, and listen to their call through another headset, while making odd scribbles on a note sheet). Although there was a network outage so I didn't get to hear too much of regular troubleshooting, I did get to find out that the intellect of the users i'll be supporting is no smarter than any other job i've worked at.

"Yah, I heard that IVR message on the network being down, but can I connect to my email?"

Gotta love em.

WOLVERINE!!


Which X-Men Character Are You??
brought to you by Quizilla

yah..somehow I got caught up in doing "one of those quizes". Who would have thought? I figured myself more of a rogue.

You've been haxxed.

So there I was attempting to download a nice illegal copy of cuteftp so I could do some web work when low and behold I infected my laptop with a damn virus. =/

I feel like such a darn newb.

Just more proof that p2p programs are EVIL!!!!

No good deed shall go unpunished.

So I got there 20 minutes early. Gave me time to say hi to some friends and kinda relax a bit. Then I suddenly feel like i'm on an episode of the apprentice, because there were 3 interviewers. Except they were wearing street clothes, and generally gave off that "nerdly presence".

It was very enjoyable though. They would take turns bouncing questions off me and I did my best to answer them. Meanwhile the monkey in my head had upgraded himself to Lord Raiden, and was juggling lightning bolts around my brain.

So after the interview I ate lunch with Bill, and kicked back for a bit. Very kewl guy, now if only I could get him to hang out more often.

I begin leaving..off with the button up shirt and tie, and thankfully I was smart enough to wear a T-shirt underneath (cuz that's just nasty if you don't...sweaty manboob inprints are gross). Then I check my voicemail on my phone and they have a message for me already. I am asked to turn around and come back. BOING I GOT THE JOB!!! (yes...I said boing)

I am Jack's giddy inner bitch.

Lookin Sharp

I have an interview this morning that i'm getting ready for (as I post this). It's with Lilly Pharmaceuticals. Which is a client of my previous employer, and a great chance to get my foot back in the door.

I'm doing everything in my power to keep myself moving. I've had a migrain that has been hammering me off and on for 2 weeks now but the last 4 days have been the worst. Between losing my lunch a few times, and the constant dizziness i'm thinking that after my interview, I need to take a long needed trip to the doctors. If he tells me to "drink more water" i'm gonna stuff an Aquafina bottle up his ass. =/ (mentally of course since i'm not really violent)

Sorry if i've been a little deceptive to a few of you that i've kept my migrain from. I don't like letting people know when i'm in serious pain especially when someone's day is going good.

I'll do another post after my interview.

I haven't updated in...forever. So here is an update. I'm still working for a crappy deceptive company (although the job itself is fun).

I'm taking some time to focus on my goals for a bit, and even gonna see about getting some help to do so (you'd be amazed at the number of organizations out to help people help themselves).

"A pastinaca sum ego"

Bangs head on desk.

Things are so bad. I guess the phrase is,"It's all good." Financially though i'm squeaking by, and that annoys me to no end. So i'm probably going to pick up a part time job. This is going to kill what little time I had available to begin with though.

I dig my friends. I thought it out for awhile and realized that right now I have a handful of people I know are really my friends. And not just the "we'll be there for you" friends. But the "its 3am in the morning, you have to be up at 6am, but I need someone to talk to, and you are kewl with that" friends.

There is a saying i've heard a million times, and I want to hear it millions more,"You choose your day." and I guess the closest thing in latin to that would be Carpe Diem...Seize the day. When life has you by the balls, and you feel like screaming at someone for whatever reason...don't forget to smile first.

Oh...and Moo

Mom's B-day

My mother's birthday was today. Took her out to eat dinner. It was fun. Nothing really interesting going on. Just working, playing warcraft, and more working.

Somewhere in there I get sleep..I think.

Invasion of the privacy snatchers

Well it looks as if my cousin's myspace account was found. (I didn't know she had one..i'll have to add it to my links).

Now my mother is going ballistic, and over reacting (nothing new here..a little enlightenment tends to calm her down, but she's still really nosy hehe). I hope my cousin doesn't get even more regressed.

Start a War

I bought the new static-x album....me likey muey mocho. Check it out on their official website, etc.

In recent news, i've began playing Warcrack heavily again. I joined a guild called Silent Legion. I'm trying to fill their ranks with my friends. So if you are interested in joining, let me know.

Rage against the Hair

My cousin Cory is graduating from High School today. I feel so dang old LOL.

I'm proud of him. He's had to go through allot with his mother. My mom was bad due to control freakishness, but reverse the over attention to lack there of with his mom. Then toss in random bits of aggressive control.

Example: She sits at her computer when she's not at work. Then out of the blue she gets mad at Cory or his sister because some chore wasn't done. Cory's response? "I pay bills here, and did the living room and hallway. Why can't you wash your own clothes?"

Yah..she's really lazy.

Oh so very slow and boring.

Nothing is really going on today. I'm not working today because we have no product to fill the machines with. I'm bored out of my mind.
*watches my mind to dancing off into the sunrise*

"I hope you get sunburn you traitorous imagination!!!"

And don't forget the cheese.

Mung mung!

Today was rather long. Friday's are my mondays. Very very busy. To top it off the day was going rather well..and right near the end when everything seemed fine, Zeus threw a lightning bolt from Hell into my brain!!!

I got a spiking migrain that has decided to make a new residence in the left side of my skull.

Maybe if I smash the right side of my head against my desk, it won't hurt so much (or i'll go unconcious, which would work to).

Illuminating zebra

Its monday. New week, with hopefully new ..um...stuff I guess. Got to hang with my dad a bit this weekend. That was fun.

Bought a new rpg called Warhammer Fantasy. Its not D20 (aka Dungeons & Dragons).

http://www.blackindustries.com

http://www.greenronin.com

Today's comic spotlight goes to Aengst Technology http://www.inktank.com

Always thank the frog before you let jelly beans go.

Phhhhfffttt!

Kind of an uneventful weekend. THANK GOD! After the last month, I can deal with a boring week. Hello to everyone who reads this. Hope your weeks are going super!

Laziness


Man i've felt so bleh. I've had a migrain that has decided it wants to stay for awhile. So just when i'm enjoying myself with friends it flares up and makes me see spots. I'm suprised i've been able to hold food down at times.

Been playing eve online and warcraft (and AC2). *twitch*...need more games. LOL j/k. But seriously. I've been playing Eve online while playing any other game. =/

Time to go inflate mini-basketballs this morning.

Family BBQ

Went to a family barbeque today. As much as I don't admit it publically, I enjoy hanging out with my family. They are a very entertaining bunch. Of course i'm recovering from heat stroke (only minor), so i've been a little out of it all day. My cousins were sure to remind me that not being mentally on my toes is subject to being rediculed...allot.

Now that i'm not breathing burned embers...

Yesterday was a creative writing/script thingy workshop. It was fun. Adam was amazingly attentive and directed in it. Met some very nice people. Got my gaydar smashed up a bit..nothing new there.

Looking forward to some of the projects.

Smoke and Ash

Well there is a fire somewhere very close to my neighborhood. I could barely see my car at one point right out front of my house.

I was going to head over to Eric's but I can't make it more then a step outside my door without gagging. I think i'll seal myself inside.

fr34k 0n a l345h

Couldn't update yesterday. Stupid blog site wouldn't publish.

(the short, short version)
Work started 2 hours late and finished an hour early. w00t!

Today is kinda blaze` so far. Nothing special. Only have 10 stops to make. Should go pretty quickly. Now lets hope I get my van!

Toosday

Well I had this rather annoying uninteresting post and blogger blecked out and lost it.

So...the summary:

Work was good, started late, and ended early.

Gonna hang with my dad.

Moo.

Toosday

Today was kewl at work. Started 2 hours later than normal and finished an hour earlier than normal. My boss also got busy and let me run through some of the stores by myself. I can't wait to get my van and do this myself.

Moved more stuff...gonna hang with my dad a bit.

The cow barks twice.

Monday was a tad bad to start. Got heat exhaustion in the morning at work. They put me in an oven (the storage unit), and had me unloading boxes. Eh...someone had to do it right?

Jaime came over yesterday and we geeked out some more on rpgs.

I got to sleep in today though (hurray for tuesday). Now i'm just waiting for my boss to call. Its like work is a shark, and i'm looking for the tail fin.

Birthday update.

Shots of chocolate cake are fun to make for your friends.

Mike's Hard Lemonade gets you wasted very quickly for such a small alcohol content.

Even under very happy peer pressure I was able to maintain my rule on drinking. Hurray for me.

I'm going to sleep now. Good night.

Today is my birthday. I'm 27.

Happy birthday to me.

Carnations in the breeze...


Laughter in the spring, with joyous memories in my mind.
We await what the change of seasons will bring.

A sweet scent carried through the air, that makes the past more kind.
From carnations in the breeze that blows through your hair.

I'd love to raise my voice and sing, but the right melody I cannot find.
Words and music to express what you used to bring.

Thoughts of you will carry on, and in my heart you shall live.
My grief will not have won.

Love is what you brought in all my days before, and love is what you'll bring,
well beyond when we live again behind the same door.

~ in memory of Ferne Parker. My beloved Aunt.
by Jeremy Wunders.

Seething ....

Can't really figure out words for it. My car was vandalized. It wasn't stolen. They destroyed my driver side door lock though. Two other people had their cars totally stolen...all Saturns. Somebody was on a shtopping spree.

Tonight is a great example of the fact that maybe...therapy would be good. At one point my buddy Ben said,"Go ahead..get angry." I'm not. I objectified it. Then I analyzed my objectification to realize I had objectified the situation. Not sure what objectified full means, but in this case its more of a way to describe a detatched method of rationalizing the events that have unfolded in a very analytical manner. Which makes it all the more disturbing to realize that I analyzed my analysis.

For a second there was a flicker of something evil, but then my mind quickly labeled it, boxed it up, and put it on a shelf to collect some dust until it can be dealt with. Those boxes are starting to stack pretty high.

On the plus side, Jaime came and picked Ben and me up. Gave us a ride home, and was able to be the hero tonight. =)

Monday funk

Man I can't stand mondays. Today was eh.

Bad news:

Jaime got a flat today. wtf! Monday strikes again!
As usual, I was rather depressed today. But this strikes do to being stuck at home instead of out working. My job keeps me sane..go figure.


Good news:

Started moving stuff over to my new place. Ran into roomie. Man is he jumpy! Other than his ease at getting the crap scared out of him, he's hella kewl. I also did my roomies dishes. I have a pet peave about dishes..can't stand them. Can't stand to look at them even more (or smell them). So I just kinda do them.

Watched the new Hercules movie tonight. It isn't Kevin Sorbo, and its not even based off those shows. It was a 3 hour movie with Sean Astin and some other guy that looked like a really young Glen Danzig with a very ripped body.

Kinda interesting spin on everything. I like how the Oracle of Delphi was a hermaphrodite. It even gets called a Man-woman LOL.

Quizno's Assassinwich

Was treated to quizno's today for lunch. I love that place, and in particular their chicken carbonara sandwich. But for the rest of the day I was getting annihilated in my stomach.

Star Wars comes out in a few days. *twitch*

"What if all the worlds inside of your head. Just creations of your own...." Trent, you need therapy. If the world was in my head, then anytime someone said something to alert me to their stupidity, i'd find fun and creative uses for spontaneous combustion.

Friday the 13th

Today friggin rocked. I found out I get my paycheck this weekend. Which means I move into my friends house this coming week. I'll take my time and do it throughout the week, and then just hit all the large stuff in a single day (which if I have a van by then will be one load).

I did 26 stores today with my boss. Some of those have more than one crane, and one had 6 cranes, another had 5. Ouch..my feet hurt. LOL.

I figure this job will get rid of my deskjob flubber. It will be nice to be able to breath in the morning.

I dub the next 2 weeks the "malnutrition diet". Because i'll be living off about 120 bucks for 2 weeks LOL. Another viable method of losing weight..we'll call it, um...fasting.

Todays random link is http://www.asheronscall2.com (shameless plug for the makers of http://www.ddo.com)

Carpe Diem

Okay so the first half of the week sucked. That doesn't mean I have to let that ruin it for the rest of the week. Between some brief trips to Pahrump, and allergies, the weeks been tough. Today though wasn't so bad.

In fact today was pretty kewl. Work was fun (although traffic wasn't).

I want to move. I'm supposed to move in with Dave, an ex-coworker from Spherion. I need money though (cuz living broke for 2 weeks is not fun or healthy). He's getting a little spastic (which is completely understandable), but i'm stuck in this sitch and there is nothing I can do about it.

"The Sitch"
I have 2 days on this pay period. My paperwork didn't get filed until the last day of the pay period, so there is a chance it will get rolled over into the next pay period.

Best case, I get a 2 day paycheck this weekend. Worst case, I get a 2 week + 2 days paycheck in 2 1/2 weeks.

I was hoping to be moved in before my birthday, but if I don't get my paycheck this weekend, that isn't happening.

I'll stop rambling now (although its my blog, and I can rant if I want to).

"So if they call it a Driveway, why do we park on it, and why do we drive on a Parkway?"

Infernal Boot Lickers

I have that wonderful congested feeling where someone has firmly inserted their boot heel in the back of my throat.

And next on the news...Rabi ninja found in mutant training facility in upstate New York.

Muckin funday.

Although today wasn't that bad at all..just really really tired. From what the Baby Eater says though, today blows.

Today's forcast will be stupid with a chance of futility. Face it, mondays will always suXx0r.

On a brighter note, turtles are generally green. Kinda like frogs, but completely different.

Its mother's day. Which is kewl. Did the dinner thing with my mom yesterday. That was fun.


But i'm a little black raincloud.

Besides that dinner, the rest of my weekends has been kind of a downer. I don't feel well at all, and am in a mire of annoying depression. Senseless, annoying, and just plain bleh depression.

I can't really put words to it.

I took a depression test, and at the end of it was this quote:

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
- Mark Twain

Good advice

Well it felt nice working today. I was all productive and stuff. My fears were alleviated even more when an HR representative got ahold of me to confirm my paperwork. Of course over half the stuff I sent to the regional director needs to be resent...because he's an idiot.

But i'm okay with that.

Anyway...off to see Jimmy Eat World tonight. Mobi r0xx0rz. (no..not the DJ)

This morning, I finally go back to work. Its a relief. I know, in about a month or so i'll be whistling a more pessimistic tune, but underneith i'll always be appreciative of having a job.

It gives me things to do, and makes my life easier. When i'm stuck by myself with nothing to do I generally go stir crazy. I've been doing allot better about that though. Anyway..i'll probably edit this post later to update how my day went.

Today I went to the eye doctor. I got my next batch of contacts for me to poke myself in the eye with.

*poke*
*poke*
*poke*

Today i'd like to start my newest weekly or periodic tradition of posting a link to a webcomic.

Quite possibly number 1 on my list would be Penny Arcade

If you don't read it...you should.

Mocking Funday

Well lets see...

1. My car died, and so I rewired my car alarm thinking it was shorting out my car.
2. Got to walk back with a friend to pick up his car.
3.Got to drive all over town with a kewl friend, and introduce him to my other kewl friends.
4. Put a gash in what little money I have to buy a new battery for my car, and installed that.

Car is working, and I got to hang with a friend. Today...wasn't that bad... I give today a Raddish out of Carrot. (brain fried good)

Well..this week has started with a suck, and ended with a bang.

My job has been delayed, again. This time after my paperwork was finally processed, upper management politely reminded my clueless regional director that he never informed them he was hiring someone.

So I "may" start on wednesday.

Of course as i'm writing this, I just got back from the Mudvayne concert. I feel like a million bucks and crap all at the same time. It was good....damn good. Its rare you get to limp away from a concert that just kicks so much ass that you know you'll feel it for a week or so, and not just physically. Most bands are pretty full of themselves, but the lead singer of Mudvayne was very into the audience and had some great things to say about us.

So, concert was good, work was bad, life goes on. Thanks for the tickets Jaime, and thanks for hangin with me Cory.

Until the next blog, may the force be with you.....always.